Category: Blog

Taking the first step towards a separation or divorce can be very scary. If you are reading this, you are on your way to exploring your options for a separation or divorce. Making a change, no matter what it is, can seem overwhelming and there is so much fear of the unknown that we all have.

What will life be like if you aren’t with your spouse anymore? What about the kids? How will we get by? These are very difficult questions to answer. Our job is to walk you through the steps and answer the questions that will help you though this transition and help you lay the groundwork for life after separation or divorce. We, as mediators, do not make the decisions for you, rather we provide you with the information you need to make good decisions. We make sure you cover everything that needs to be covered for a divorce or separation. Everything from parenting schedules to finances and distribution of assets/liabilities.

If you are ready to take the first step or think you are ready, email us at [email protected] or call us at 585-244-2444.

All calls are confidential. You can speak directly with a mediator and decide if you would like to set-up an initial consultation. This first meeting is information only and will help you decide if mediation is right for you and your spouse.

Mediation is facilitated negotiation. That means each person is advocating for his or her own needs with the assistance of the mediator. Mediation can be an opportunity to learn skills, such as negotiation, that can be helpful for years to come. So how do you advocate for yourself in a negotiation? Here are some tips to get you started:

*Identify your needs–Needs are different from interests and desires. We all wish that certain things will go our way. A desire is to keep your house. A need is a place to live. Knowing what we need is a bottom line and helps to define the least that is acceptable.

*Think creatively–It can be hard not to focus on the outcome when you are negotiating, but if you can shift your thinking to your interests and the needs you are trying to meet, you might be able to come up with more creative solutions. For example, if keeping a house is the goal, think about why. If it’s to maintain stability for the children during the transition of divorce, maybe you could own it jointly for a year or two and then sell. If it’s because you love the house, maybe a family member can co-sign the new mortgage in exchange for 10% of the equity in the future. Brainstorm!

*Be informed–Gathering all the information needed before making decisions can thwart irrational decision-making. Having an initial consultation with a matrimonial attorney who supports mediation (your mediator can provide you with names and numbers), for example, can help you to know the best and worst outcomes if you were to litigate. You can use this information to determine for yourself if what you’re agreeing to is fair.

*Recognize your spouse’s needs–You might not agree with him or her, but he or she has needs and interests of their own. If you offer something that she or he needs or wants, it’s likely that she or he will be more willing to negotiate in return.

To learn more about negotiating, check out these resources:

Harvard Program on Negotiation

http://www.pon.harvard.edu/category/daily/negotiation-skills-daily/?cid=13

Skills You Need

http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/negotiation.html

1. It is not your fault. Whether a child is three or 30, it is a natural response to look for reasons why parent’s divorce and to blame themselves.

2. There is no right or wrong way to feel. When adults go through a divorce, emotions run the gamut. The same holds true for children. Children of all ages need to know that on some days they may feel a whole range of emotions. All of these feelings are natural, and may fluctuate throughout the day and over time.

3. There is outside support if you need or want it. Help is out there for parents and children. It is only a matter of asking for it. Support is important for everyone involved.

4. Both of your parents love you. It is extremely important to reassure children that divorce is a relational matter between two parents, and not between parents and their children. Yes, living arrangements will likely change, but should not affect the love between a parent and child.

5. Parents show love in different ways. Children often question how much each of their parents love them in the wake of a divorce. In doing so, they tend to quantify, measuring the actions of one parent against those of the other. A wide range of situations may dictate that one parent spends more time with children than the other parent, spends more money, or engages in more enjoyable activities together. Reminding children that none of these scenarios indicate how much love a parent has for a child, and may be merely logistical and unavoidable consequences of divorce, is critical.

6. Your parents’ divorce does not define you. Children need to remember that just because their parents are divorcing, they are still the same person they were before. Hopes, dreams, and goals remain the same, and their parents’ divorce is no reflection on them.

7. Your relationship with each of your parents is independent of the other. It is important for children to maintain a separate and private relationship with each parent. As tempting as it may be to play the game of he said, she said with your children, kids must feel safe and secure in their relationships with each parent in order to have consistently healthy interactions on both sides.

8. It is not your responsibility to fix your parents’ marriage. Marriage is a private matter between two individuals, individuals who were once closest in the world to one another. Children are not privy, nor should they be, to what goes on between a husband and wife.

9. Marriage can be wonderful. Children should understand that just because their parents’ marriage may not have worked out in the end, it doesn’t mean all marriages fail.

10. Life goes on. Children will survive divorce, as will their parents. Change is difficult, but also inevitable. Divorce can ultimately be a positive experience for everyone involved, affording a second chance at a new and better life. As parents, we would never hope for or accept anything less.

Huffington Post: April 2014

Bitterness, resentment, anger… all normal responses when going through a divorce, particularly if it feels like the other person is the one who is ending the marriage. Sometimes it feels good to rage and blame and punish the other person for their transgressions. Sometimes it feels impossible to separate from these strong emotions. Yet, you haven’t always felt this way. That means you have the capacity within you to access other feelings.

In order to effectively work through the pain you are in now, you will need to find ways to manage these strong emotions. Why? It’s ironic but true, revenge will hurt you more than your negative emotions will hurt your spouse. Here’s how:

*Health issues: Head aches, insomnia, digestive problems, heart disease, and cancer are all tied to prolonged stress;

*Legal expenses: The inability to manage conflict and reach agreements can lead to prolonged legal negotiations and litigation which can costs tens of thousands of dollars;

*Distressed children: Prolonged exposure to parental conflict is the strongest predictor of children experiencing long-term difficulties. Equally damaging for children is feeling forced to choose sides, feeling like they have to edit what they say about one parent in front of the other, and feeling like they have to “parent” a mother or father who can’t care for them or themselves emotionally.

Divorce is second only to death of a spouse (some argue more) as the most stressful life event. It is important to get the support you need to work through the grief of losing your marriage. Ask your mediator for a referral to a therapist to work with one-on-one. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, but avoid those who fuel negative feelings. Reach out to a spiritual advisor or join a support group. Above all else, be gentle with yourself. Remember you have the capacity to access other feelings and with time and healing you will regain that capacity.

The term “conscious uncoupling” is big news right now. What is “conscious uncoupling”?

It is the ability to understand that every irritation and argument in a marriage was a signal to look within ourselves and identify whatever needed healing; looking at the individuals in a relationship, rather than just the relationship.

“From this perspective, there are no bad guys, just two people” This expands on the blame-free theory. Meaning, WE did this together and not just one of us is to blame. WE failed at the relationship. The focus is on moving forward rather than throwing stones from the past.

Using this definition of conscious uncoupling of “no blame” and a desire to move forward and respect each other is a perfect fit with mediation. Mediation focuses on the couple’s ability to work out agreements together that benefit the family and to move forward with positive interactions and communication.

Mediation allows couples who desire to “uncouple”, the power to create lasting agreements that are customized for their specific needs and situation, empowering people to make the best decisions on issues that matter most.

For more information on how mediation can benefit your uncoupling, call us at 585-269-8140.

Deciding to divorce is a very personal choice and figuring out how to tell your spouse can be difficult. Here are some things to consider:

• Select a time and place to talk when you are both well-rested, well-fed, and free from interruption or distractions;
• If you have children, make sure they will not be present and allow enough of time with them away to fully have this important discussion, as well as to recover somewhat;
• Rehearse what you will say and how you will say it;
• Take responsibility for your own decision, using “I” statements;
• Keep blame out of the conversation–you are trying to move forward, not backward;
• You know your spouse very well, so imagine the reactions you might receive and prepare in advance for how you will handle them;
• Work with a counselor to consider how you will feel when your spouse reacts and how you can manage those emotions.

Mediation can help to minimize the negative impacts associated with divorce. When you and your spouse are ready, working with a mediator can help to minimize conflict and keep the focus on your children and outcomes that will work for the whole family moving forward.

The emotional process for a divorce or separation is very different for everyone and most times, the couples we see coming in for mediation are in very different places emotionally as individuals. One person in the relationship has made the decision to divorce or separate and the other person is still in “save the marriage” mode.

How do people who are in very different emotional places with the relationship mediate? It isn’t easy when one of the spouses is already “checked out” of the marriage and the other spouse in still holding on and wants to work on things. A majority of the time, the spouse who has initiated the divorce or separation has made the decision a long time ago and has had months and even times years to process the dissolution of the marriage in their head and their heart. The spouse playing catch up has a lot of mental processing to do and needs time to wrap their head and heart around what is happening. Couples going through such a huge life change are caught in a cycle of grief not un-similar to the cycle of grief people go through from the death of a loved one. The marriage is over, it is a loss whether you want the divorce or not.

Mediation for divorce or separation allows the couple to work at a pace that is best for both people involved, allowing the spouse who has not had as much time to process what is happening the pace and time to be involved in the decision making while still allowing the spouse who is ready to move forward to start making the decisions necessary for the separation or divorce. Mediation also provides the privacy and environment that promotes good communication and healthy decision making along with processing the loss of the relationship. Mediation facilitates not only the divorce or separation process, but also the emotional process critical for people to move forward.

No family looks the same. They come in all shapes and sizes with many different nuances. We are in a generation that has seen and is still seeing many changes as it relates to the family unit. There truly is no normal anymore.

Once upon a time, there used to be a mom, a dad and 2.5 kids, and maybe a dog. That was the “normal” American family.  And anything else was not considered to be good or healthy.

Today’s families still may have one mom and one dad, others have single parents and still others have two moms or two dads. There are blended families with step-brothers and sisters and half-brothers and sisters. There are families that choose not to have children and those who choose to adopt. Many families have adult children returning to the nest and others have older parents sharing a home. There are marriages of all types, as well as recognized domestic partnerships. And people in all these types of families can have very healthy and positive experiences. No matter what your family looks like, it is your family. And your family comes with both the good times and the challenging times.

Learning to live with the good and the bad in every family and communicating with each other is the key to being happy at home. Communication involves talking as well as listening. It also involves feeling safe and comfortable so you may express your needs and wants. The Mediation Center works with all kinds of families Mediation helps couples and families define and express their issues and figure out the best option for moving forward for the family.

There is no normal.

This past Thursday, October 17, 2013, was Mediation Day. The New York State Office of Court Administration (at  http://nycourts.gov/ip/adr/MSD.shtml http://nycourts.gov/ip/adr/MSD.shtml) explains that

“Mediation Settlement Day is an annual event designed to raise awareness about the many benefits of mediation and the wealth of available resources for people in conflict. Organizations throughout the United States and beyond coordinate efforts to celebrate and promote mediation on the same day each year.  On this day and throughout the month of October, organizations conduct special programs to promote mediation and to educate potential parties and attorneys about the mediation process.  The aim is to encourage parties to try mediation for the first time and to reinforce its value and effectiveness to those who have benefitted from it before”.

A good place to learn more about the value of mediation is the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation.  You can access the Council and learn more about mediation from the following sources:

•       Council’s Twitter account @NYSMediate

•       Council’s Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/NYSMediate.

•       Council’s website http://nyscdm.org/

Health Care coverage is a big topic these days. The Affordable Care Act brings many changes along with it to the health care industry and to us as consumers. Just what the affects of the Act will be are unknown. There are many issues associated with Affordable Care that have us wondering what will happen in the future and how will coverage, billing and carriers change. There are families out there that rely on plans such as Medicare and Medi-cal (visit iehp.org to find out more) so they can get treated without getting into extreme debt from no insurance due to low income, so they want to be assured that they will be protected with any changes that may happen.

One of the topics covered in mediation when a couple is separating and divorcing is the issue of health care coverage. How the coverage and associated costs will be handled for children and for the spouses are important things to discuss and have defined in any agreement (will the child/children be covered my Mom or Dad’s insurance and what portion of the costs is each parent covering). This can be a huge expense and needs to be discussed and decided upon and is not necessarily covered with child support payments.

In most cases, spouses who are legally separated can still be covered by a spouses employers insurance. But be sure to check with your employer to be sure that is the case. Once a divorce is finalized, spouses can no longer be covered on each other’s health insurance plans.

For any questions regarding this topic or any others related to separation or divorce, please call me at 585-269-8140.