When You Want a Divorce and Your Spouse Doesn’t

Deciding to Divorce is a devastating decision to have to make. None of us get married with the thought of divorcing in the future. We marry our chosen spouse for many different reasons. The bottom line is, this is the person you chose to go through life with and somewhere along the way, it all changed. And here you are reading this blog.

There are many issues. How do you have the conversation regarding separation or divorce? How do you get your spouse to mediation? And what happens when one wants the divorce and one doesn’t? How do you both move on productively?

You have a life with this other person that may include children, a house, cars, marital debts/assets, and many other possessions. Not to mention the feelings and memories that go along with this life. But what if, you want a divorce and your spouse doesn’t? What if this other person who you have formed a life with, whether it has been for a short time or if you have been married for over 20 years, wants to stay married? He or she may feel blindsided by your decision and this can make the process of moving on even more difficult. If you alone are making the decision to divorce, your spouse feels helpless and that they have no control about what is happening in their life. If you do end up getting the divorce under way you’ll need to hire a family law attorney to help you through the legalities of the process.

You have already let go and emotionally started to move on with thinking about life without your spouse. Your spouse has not done so yet and getting to that same place will take him/her a long time. So, beginning the mediation process can be complicated by the emotional aspect of a person who is still trying to hang on. People need time to process information and when one spouse has been considering divorce for months and maybe years, the other spouse has been in the “dark”. The news comes as an incredible shock, and you both find yourselves on completely different pages of this book of life and marriage. This is a very common scenario in mediation. People need time to vent their feelings and time to process. Getting the spouse who does not want to be apart to transition their thoughts and feelings is a complicated process and takes time. Mediation can help people deal with the emotions associated with moving on and redefining their role as a spouse/partner to ex-spouse/ex-partner.

Communicating your wants and needs to your spouse is crucial. If a separation or divorce is what you want, then you must have the conversation with your spouse, no matter how hard it will be. The mediation process allows you the ability to speak openly and privately with your spouse about many issues, with a neutral third party (the mediator) in the room to help you with the conversation. Learning to talk openly and gaining new tools for communicating in the future will help both of you.

Moving on productively for both parties is one of the main goals of mediation. Being productive is a very individual thing and each couple must find what works best for their specific situation and family. Finding the best solutions for your unique life and family and creating an agreement that works for both of you is what mediation is all about. The mediation process puts the control and ownership for your life and decisions in your hands. Even the spouse who initially did not want to divorce can feel empowered and that they have some control over the situation they did not originally want, but find they must plan for and participate in.

Renee LaPoint

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