Category: The Mediation Center

How many times have you heard this or something similar when you ask or tell your children to do a chore around the house? Chances are it has been often. Children are pros at procrastination, excuses, resistance and refusal when it comes to chores. However, if parents can find a way to make chores such as vacuuming appear fun, then children may be more willing to partake in them. For example, if you’ve recently bought a brand new cleaning appliance such as bissell wet dry vacs – bissell https://www.bissell.com/steam-and-hard-floor-cleaners/wet-dry-vacuums, then you could ‘allow’ your child to have a go with the new vacuum, making chores seem like a privilege rather than a burden.

Why is it like pulling teeth to get kids to do chores? Part of the explanation has to do with the nature of who kids are. Doing chores willingly requires mature judgment and awareness of others’ perspectives and needs. Children are not born with these traits; they develop gradually as children grow and mature. Part of your job as parents is to socialize your children by helping them to develop these qualities. Therefore, it should not be a surprise that they resist helping at home.

You may ask yourself, “Is it Worth the Struggle?” Insisting that chores be completed can feel like a never-ending battle; constantly reminding, nagging, or imposing consequences just to get your kids to follow through. It can become easier in the short run to do the jobs yourself or let them slide.

Parents may be reluctant to engage in continuous struggles for fear of damaging their relationship with their children. Or they may feel guilty asking their children to help; after all, children are so busy with all the other demands on them from school, peers and extra-curricular activities that you may be reluctant to add to the pressures.

The Benefits of Chores: Even though it is more difficult at the time to persist in having children do chores, research indicates that those children who do have a list of chores have:

• Higher self-esteem
• are more responsible
• are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification, all of which contribute to greater success in school and beyond.

Ask your children for their input. Children are more cooperative when they have a say. Many parents hold a family meeting to discuss chores and when and how they will be starting, revising, or re-instating them. Such times together can build morale, improve relationships, and facilitate creative problem solving.

• Be convinced of the importance of chores. If you firmly believe in their value, you will communicate this message to your children and you will be less likely to give in to their delay tactics or resistance.
• Consider how you look at your “chores” – you are your children’s most important role model.
• Make chores a regular part of the family routine – children as young as 3 can benefit.
• Decide if allowance will be given for the completion of chores.

Children may not thank you in the short term for giving them chores. This is a case where the goal is not necessarily to make your children happy; rather it is to teach them life skills and a sense of responsibility that will last a lifetime.

(Information from The Center for Parenting and Education)

Add two adults, a gaggle of children, a couple of pets, a new house, financial changes, STRESS and a whole lot of work….and blend!

A blended family is a family consisting of a couple and their children from their current relationship and all previous relationships. To blend a family successfully, you must add cooperation and respect to the recipe above, along with lots of patience and time for transition. Studies say, it takes 3-5 YEARS for adults and children to transition into their “new” family. There are so many emotions and values, new relationships and dynamics as well as house rules that have to be re-negotiated. And if there are teenagers involved…..

Blending a family is not an easy thing; in fact, I have found it to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have been remarried for over three years. I have three biological children and now have three step-children, a new husband, a new house and……a step-bird! We have had to maneuver house rules, chores, differing values, holidays and traditions as well as who gets dibs on the remote and BIG television…

The Brady Bunch, that infamous TV family from the 1970’s, was not your typical or realistic blended family. A remarriage does not automatically make a new family. When couples remarry or move in together, it is a decision those two people are making. We must not forget the impact that it has on our children. The children did not choose to have a step-parent or be family with new step-siblings, they are along for the ride based on the decisions their parents have made. Managing our emotions and helping our kids in the transition is critical in making this new family viable and lasting.

Recent statistics say that over 1,300 new (step) families form every day and a majority of families in the US are blended in some fashion. The Census Bureau reported that more than 60% of families in this country will be blended in one fashion or the other. So, we need to get this right and learn to make the blended family work and work well.

What do blended families look like? They look like me, your friends, neighbors and maybe even yourself. If you are not in a blended family, it is most likely you know someone who is. These families may be traditional remarriages, marriages of same sex couples, cohabitations or domestic partnerships. Families come in all shapes and sizes today. It is important to acknowledge all of them as part of the “new normal” and recognize the struggles that come with blending.

Embrace who you are and the unique family unit to which you belong and be accepting of your family, friends, co-workers and neighbors who may be doing it differently.

If you are having trouble blending your family, seek out a professional to help you with the challenges. Family Mediation could be the answer to help you and your new family move forward in a positive way. Call us at 585-244-2444 or send an email to: [email protected]

There are a lot of adjustments for families with children to make after a separation or divorce. If you and your ex-spouse or partner have joint physical custody of your children, the kids will be moving between the two households, and it is in your children’s best interest for both parents to work together to make their transition from one to two homes as seamless as possible.

In many families, one of the parents played a primary role in caring for the children. The parent who spent less time in that function may need information from their ex-spouse or partner in order to ease the children into the split household routine. This may include information such as phone numbers and addresses or health insurance information for their doctor and dentist, medications taken, team schedules or notes on other activities the children are involved in. It may also be about little things, like who likes mustard and who likes mayo on their sandwiches.

This type of information can be shared through email if verbal communication is a source of conflict for you right now. There are also online sites that offer shared calendars where each of you can update events for the children, keeping the scheduling simple. Apps that provide the ability for ex-spouses or partners to communicate in other formats, as well as handle payments of reimbursement for out-of-pocket expenses or support are available as well.

For the parent taking on a larger parenting role than they played prior to the separation or divorce, expect a learning curve. You may have to make decisions that used to be made by your spouse about the children’s diets, bedtime hours, TV and video game activities, overnights at friends, parties, disciplinary issues, etc. You and your spouse may find that you have different parenting styles, or that one of your styles has changed. Be as supportive as possible of the rules established in each household, even if they differ. Supporting your spouse in their efforts to parent your children is important in maintaining stability in the children’s lives.

Recognize that this is a period of high anxiety for your children, especially for young children, who may not understand what is going on right now. Getting them settled into a consistent routine of sharing time with each of their parents, and feeling supported by each parent as they spend time with the other, will go a long way towards helping them get grounded. Even if you find yourself resenting your ex because you feel they are responsible for this upheaval in your life and the lives of your children, remember that one of the best ways to help the children adjust is to move forward in a positive way.

Kids, both preteens and teens have all kinds of toys they use for communication these days; smart phones, iPods, iPads, tablets, laptops, etc…They are texting, snap chatting, using Instagram, and Tweeting. Communication is so different than when I was growing up in the 70’s.

If you are a parent like I am, you may be worried about how to talk to your kids when they are spending what seems like every minute on a device of some sort. Even when they are with their friends, the devices are out and there is little face to face communication.

Good communication with your child/children is imperative to good parenting and to helping your kids develop the communication skills they need for the future.

Communication is a three step process: Talking * Listening * Feedback

We all must master these three steps in order to make communication as productive and meaningful as possible. Being able to talk and articulate your needs, feelings and desires. Being able to listen and really hear another person and lastly providing feedback on what was said in the conversation. These three steps complete the communication process.

The abundance of screens is not limited to our kids; parents have to put down their devices as well to have conversations. Role modeling the behavior we ask from our children is an important part of their learning. Insist that devices be put away when you are speaking face to face with your child. Here are some other suggestions:

Plan family time with no devices – dinners, game nights, a hike. Find activities that interest the kids and require them to put the devices down. If you’re going to get some new games in, you could pop over here and see if there are any discounts to be had online – because we all love saving money! Whatever you end up doing, in my house I call this device-free time “mandatory family fun”.

Limit screen time – set limits on screen time. It’s okay to set limits, you are the parent. Too much screen time has the ability to wreak havoc with the health of your eyes, and the blue light that glares off the screens can disrupt sleeping patterns, as well as irritating your eyes. This could eventually lead to them having to wear blue light blocking glasses to help protect the eyes from such harshness. So setting a limit on your children’s screen time could be more important than you think. Kids thrive on structure and may secretly thank you for allowing them some “unplugged time”.

Keep devices out of bedtime – studies show that preteens and teens need time before bed to unwind and become “unstimulated”. The lights and movements on a screen can cause insomnia and kids who sleep with their phones are less likely to get the sleep they need.

This is no easy task, asking kids to put down the device that has become a third appendage, however, in time we will all benefit from the simple art of face-to-face communication.

Our kids need the art and skill of face to face communication, in 2015 and beyond. Good communication skills are needed for success in school, work and relationships. Teaching communication now is a lifelong skill.

The Holiday season brings family and friends together. Some of us make cookies, share meals and exchange gifts. It is a wonderful time of year full of festivities and cheer. It is also the time of year that our stress levels may rise. Family visits and the rush to the mall to fight parking and lines at the cash register can raise feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed. We are trying to manage work, home and daily life while at the same time adding holiday “to-do’s”.

The joyous celebration may feel more like one big headache. Here are some suggestions for feeling less stressed during the holiday season and make it more enjoyable for you and your loved ones:

• Take time for yourself – whether it is going for a walk or sitting down with a book, remember to unplug and take some “me” time.
• Slow down – pace yourself. You know this is a busy time of year, so start preparations earlier to help alleviate the last minute rush
• Make a list – write things down to avoid forgetting. A list can give you a sense of calm and control. Check things off as you go, so you can see the progress you are making.
• Ask for help – Don’t be afraid to ask for help when getting things accomplished. We all need help sometimes.
• Limit what you say yes to – You don’t need to go to every party or cookie exchange. It is okay to say no to activities and say yes to taking care of your own needs. Put yourself first.

Hopefully following one or two of these suggestions will help you put more HAPPY into your Happy Holidays! Wishing you a wonderful and less stressful 2015!

I can divide most of my divorce or separation mediation clients into two categories: the member of the couple who handles the finances, and the member of the couple who does not. In an overwhelming number of cases, my experience has been that one party is solely responsible for the finances, and the other party has little or no idea about the day-to-day or the long-term financial picture. Some people are just better with finances than others! If you’re someone who is lesser financially adept and allows their partner to handle both of your finances, you might benefit by researching into the likes of CreditAssociates or similar companies that could teach and show you how to manage your finances better.

While this is common, it may have implications that effect the mediation. The non-financially savvy spouse may be or become distrustful of the spouse who has handled the couple’s finances all those years. They may be unable to create an accurate budget for projecting their future living costs (which is a part of all settlement agreements), without help from their partner or the mediator. It can affect negotiations around support (Child Support and Spousal Support), either expecting too much or asking for too little. And when the non-financially savvy spouse gives up asset and retirement distributions or support that they really can’t afford to be without, this can be disastrous for them in the future.

Keep in mind that the division of your marital assets and liabilities, including retirement accounts and loan debt can rarely be changed in the future if you should regret the decisions you made in mediation. When mediating your divorce or separation, it is important for you to become familiar with your household expenses and with the assets and liabilities that are marital. You may be able to do this with your soon-to-be-ex spouse. If you find the financial information being presented to be too complex, ask questions! The mediator can usually explain it in a way that you can understand.

If that doesn’t work, or you and your spouse can’t work together, getting a financial advisor involved during the process can be in your best interest. Their job is to help you, and they have received the relevant training and experience to help with matters like this, so don’t feel like you have to battle these demons alone. Not only can they help you, but it also allows them to get business themselves, as even though they are popular in their field, they need to continuously market themselves. Luckily, places like LeadJig (https://www.leadjig.com/2020/04/23/financial-advisor-leads/) can help these advisors with their marketing, and in turn, they will make themselves known to you so you can receive the help that you’re looking for. It’s a win-win. Please remember to reach out for assistance if you need it, as it will take a huge weight off your shoulders. Thanks