Category: Blog

According to the Holmes and Rahe Life Events Scale divorce is second only to death as the most stressful life event a person can experience. Yet each person experiences the loss of their marriage differently. The length of the marriage, the strength of feelings one partner has toward the other, the presence of children, which partner initiated the divorce, how much time has passed since the idea of divorce was raised—all and more influence the emotional impact of divorce when it occurs.

Although grief is expressed differently, for different things and at different times, the stages of grief tend to remain the same. Kubler-Ross (1969) holds that grief occurs as a cycle which includes five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not all people experience all five stages, nor is the model linear. Someone might bargain to save the marriage, become angry that their partner is not willing to return to counseling, and then become sad and despondent. At other times, a person may have come to a place of acceptance that divorce is inevitable, only to learn their partner is leaving them for someone new, thrusting them into a fresh stage of anger. People can also become stuck in the grieving process. This can be particularly deleterious to families because parental mental health directly impacts children’s adjustment in divorce (Taylor & Andrews, 2009, Parental Depression in the Context of Divorce and the Impact on Children. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 50(7), 472-480).

When one partner is not acting as upset as the other when divorcing, it does not mean they are not grieving or have not already grieved. Anticipatory grief can happen in advance of a loss, when someone knows that the marriage is not working and may come to an end. Often, after the divorce, new grieving takes place.

If you, or your partner, are grieving, consider getting some help. Working with a counselor who specializes in grief is an excellent way to get the support you need. Joining a support group such as Neutral Ground or Parents Without Partners puts you in touch with others who have experienced what you are going through. Finding a trusted friend or someone from your faith community who can listen without judgement and offer you support, can provide a safe place to process your feelings.

Many find the mediation process helpful because it allows couples to work at a pace that meets their needs, while de-escalating harmful conflict. Contact The Mediation Center today for more information at: [email protected]

What is a “kidult”? I define a kidult as a child who has been away at school and is returning home for the summer. They are either between school semesters, have graduated and need to find a full-time job, or are transitioning to graduate school.

Do you have college students, boarding school students or newly graduated students that have returned to the nest? I have two coming home, one having just finished his freshman year and the other just graduated. I am both excited and nervous.

We, as parents look forward to their return, we have missed them and having an extra driver to help out with errands is a good thing; but at the same time it can bring some anxieties. We haven’t lived with them all year. How have you and they changed? How do we keep our sanity and be supportive parents? Setting ground rules early may lessen anxiety for everyone.

A kidult finds themselves having been “on their own” at school with many freedoms and setting their own schedule and now, they are living back home where there are parental rules and expectations. Parents have been living without this extra person(s) and now have to adjust to their return. This inevitably means a transition time and re-teaching by parents and re-learning by kidults, what the boundaries and ground rules are of living under the same roof. And yes, parents, it is okay to have rules and responsibilities for kidults living in your house if you feel it’s important. Things like helping out with the cleaning or yard work is an okay expectation, as is not staying out into all hours of the night.

So how do you avoid this conflict and reestablish a sense of family living with your kidult?

• Parents first need to be on the same page with each other and discuss ahead of time what expectations are appropriate.
• Plan a family meeting when they first get home to discuss the expectations. Don’t wait until the conflict happens. Be proactive.
• Don’t dictate and preach. Involve them in the conversation. They need to take ownership in the process.
• Remind them that their actions will now affect everyone in the house.
• Talk about how life at school may be different than life at home.
• Negotiate a list of responsibilities now that they are home, like:
  • Vacuuming
  • Mowing the lawn
  • Working a summer job
  • Actively seeking a full time job (if they have graduated)

You and your kidult have grown and changed in different ways. We want to encourage independence and growing up, but with a sense of family and respect for others.

Managing this potential conflict is about finding a balance for all of us and setting expectations early in their return can make for a much sunnier summer for all of you.

If your house is like my house, about the second day of summer recess you hear, “I’m bored”. I know this is coming every year and I still look at my kids each year in disbelief, “REALLY?”

Spring is taking its time to bloom in Rochester, but soon the leaves will be on the trees, grass will be green and the flowers will grace our yards with their beautiful colors and SOON THE KIDS WILL BE OUT OF SCHOOL. It is not too early to start thinking about activities to keep kids, both young and old, from being bored.

Once springtime hits, we start to think about outside activities. Yard work is a must, and really must get around to buying that mini excavator brush cutter to help me tackle those weeds, but what are some fun things to do with the kids and as a family?

Getting the kids outside and engaged is very important. Kids are attached to their Ipods, Ipads, computers, and phones, so getting them engaged with others and off the couch can be a challenge, but keeping them active will keep their minds and bodies in shape. A sure-fire way of getting your kids active and in the sun is by using the temptation of a trampoline. Trampolines are something that kids are fascinated by, and purchasing one for your backyard will certainly encourage them to jump and get outdoors. This positively promotes activity and outdoor play. One great way to encourage activity is to consider taking them to a fun indoor center where they can climb walls and experience different courses to get them more active. To find somewhere like this close to you, you could always consider searching the internet for “centers offering entertainment near me“. Hopefully, your kids will enjoy these sorts of challenges, reducing their boredom!

Activities should be age-appropriate and safe. Think back to when you were a kid and things that you enjoyed to help you with ideas.

Here are some outdoor (and indoor/rainy day) activities to chase the boredom away and keep your kids from turning into couch potatoes this summer. Most of these are inexpensive and once you get them set-up you can let their imaginations run wild. Kids love when their parents play WITH them, so make time to participate in some of these fun undertakings.

AT HOME

• Scavenger Hunt
• Kickball, bocce, or any yard game
• (Do you remember SPUD & freeze tag?)
• Add a twist and play flashlight tag at night
• Sidewalk chalk
• Outdoor movie theater
• If you have woods on your property, make a fort
• Backyard camping – set-up a tent for overnight and for daytime play
• Make an obstacle course
• Water balloons or sprinkler, for those really hot days
• Ride a bike
• Arts and Crafts
• Neighborhood Game night
• Bubbles
• Hide and Seek
• Make some slime
• Puzzles

IN OR AROUND ROCHESTER

• Museums
• Bowling
• Indoor Trampoline
• Zoo
• Hiking/Nature walk
• Park or playground, Rochester has many parks
• Volunteering

FAMILIES WHO PLAY TOGETHER HAVE FUN TOGETHER!!!

Be sure to use YOUR imagination.

Renee LaPoint, M.S.

The difficult time of separation or divorce is emotionally and sometimes financially stressful. Unless you’ve been through it before, you are sailing uncharted waters. During this time, having a good support system is very important. You may need your friends more than ever. That said, for any of your friends that have not experienced separation or divorce themselves, it can be hard to relate to what you are going through. They may not understand your choices, especially if you initiated the divorce. They might not get that it was the best of some not-very-good options, and realize just how hard it is for you. Some may even be a little jealous of your new–found ‘freedom’.

Even as you need your friends, you must remember that the situation is difficult for them as well. Try to stay in touch, and offer opportunities for them to express any feelings they might have, so you can keep the communication open. If you reach out to a friend and they don’t respond, let them go. You don’t need to spend energy trying to convince them to stay right now. People who were mutual friends of you and your ex may feel uncomfortable maintaining the friendship with one or both of you after the split. Bashing your ex, or revealing intimate details of the problems in your relationship can push them away. Even if what your ex is telling them makes them take your ex’s side initially, with time, by taking the high road, you may find them back in your court.

You want to stay in touch with the friends who will be supportive. Your close friends should be available to you for emotional support. If you are comfortable and it is appropriate, these friends might also be called on to help you network for a new job, look for an apartment or give your kids a ride once in a while. As important as it is to keep in touch with and ask for help from trusted friends, it is equally important to know how much to ask of them.

Be mindful of how much complaining you are doing and negative feelings you are expressing. While friends may be very accommodating, after awhile it may become too much for them to enjoy being with you. If you have very strong feelings, or they continue for a long time, a therapist can help you sort through those feelings and offer you constructive ways to handle them so you can heal and move forward. Using a divorce coach is another way to be supported through the process in areas that your friends or therapist can’t help with.

So allow your friendships to help you through this difficult time, but remember that even in periods of difficulty, friendships are a two way street. Keep in mind how much support is available from each relationship so you don’t overburden it, and always express your gratitude to your friends for their support.

How many times have you heard this or something similar when you ask or tell your children to do a chore around the house? Chances are it has been often. Children are pros at procrastination, excuses, resistance and refusal when it comes to chores. However, if parents can find a way to make chores such as vacuuming appear fun, then children may be more willing to partake in them. For example, if you’ve recently bought a brand new cleaning appliance such as bissell wet dry vacs – bissell https://www.bissell.com/steam-and-hard-floor-cleaners/wet-dry-vacuums, then you could ‘allow’ your child to have a go with the new vacuum, making chores seem like a privilege rather than a burden.

Why is it like pulling teeth to get kids to do chores? Part of the explanation has to do with the nature of who kids are. Doing chores willingly requires mature judgment and awareness of others’ perspectives and needs. Children are not born with these traits; they develop gradually as children grow and mature. Part of your job as parents is to socialize your children by helping them to develop these qualities. Therefore, it should not be a surprise that they resist helping at home.

You may ask yourself, “Is it Worth the Struggle?” Insisting that chores be completed can feel like a never-ending battle; constantly reminding, nagging, or imposing consequences just to get your kids to follow through. It can become easier in the short run to do the jobs yourself or let them slide.

Parents may be reluctant to engage in continuous struggles for fear of damaging their relationship with their children. Or they may feel guilty asking their children to help; after all, children are so busy with all the other demands on them from school, peers and extra-curricular activities that you may be reluctant to add to the pressures.

The Benefits of Chores: Even though it is more difficult at the time to persist in having children do chores, research indicates that those children who do have a list of chores have:

• Higher self-esteem
• are more responsible
• are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification, all of which contribute to greater success in school and beyond.

Ask your children for their input. Children are more cooperative when they have a say. Many parents hold a family meeting to discuss chores and when and how they will be starting, revising, or re-instating them. Such times together can build morale, improve relationships, and facilitate creative problem solving.

• Be convinced of the importance of chores. If you firmly believe in their value, you will communicate this message to your children and you will be less likely to give in to their delay tactics or resistance.
• Consider how you look at your “chores” – you are your children’s most important role model.
• Make chores a regular part of the family routine – children as young as 3 can benefit.
• Decide if allowance will be given for the completion of chores.

Children may not thank you in the short term for giving them chores. This is a case where the goal is not necessarily to make your children happy; rather it is to teach them life skills and a sense of responsibility that will last a lifetime.

(Information from The Center for Parenting and Education)

Add two adults, a gaggle of children, a couple of pets, a new house, financial changes, STRESS and a whole lot of work….and blend!

A blended family is a family consisting of a couple and their children from their current relationship and all previous relationships. To blend a family successfully, you must add cooperation and respect to the recipe above, along with lots of patience and time for transition. Studies say, it takes 3-5 YEARS for adults and children to transition into their “new” family. There are so many emotions and values, new relationships and dynamics as well as house rules that have to be re-negotiated. And if there are teenagers involved…..

Blending a family is not an easy thing; in fact, I have found it to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have been remarried for over three years. I have three biological children and now have three step-children, a new husband, a new house and……a step-bird! We have had to maneuver house rules, chores, differing values, holidays and traditions as well as who gets dibs on the remote and BIG television…

The Brady Bunch, that infamous TV family from the 1970’s, was not your typical or realistic blended family. A remarriage does not automatically make a new family. When couples remarry or move in together, it is a decision those two people are making. We must not forget the impact that it has on our children. The children did not choose to have a step-parent or be family with new step-siblings, they are along for the ride based on the decisions their parents have made. Managing our emotions and helping our kids in the transition is critical in making this new family viable and lasting.

Recent statistics say that over 1,300 new (step) families form every day and a majority of families in the US are blended in some fashion. The Census Bureau reported that more than 60% of families in this country will be blended in one fashion or the other. So, we need to get this right and learn to make the blended family work and work well.

What do blended families look like? They look like me, your friends, neighbors and maybe even yourself. If you are not in a blended family, it is most likely you know someone who is. These families may be traditional remarriages, marriages of same sex couples, cohabitations or domestic partnerships. Families come in all shapes and sizes today. It is important to acknowledge all of them as part of the “new normal” and recognize the struggles that come with blending.

Embrace who you are and the unique family unit to which you belong and be accepting of your family, friends, co-workers and neighbors who may be doing it differently.

If you are having trouble blending your family, seek out a professional to help you with the challenges. Family Mediation could be the answer to help you and your new family move forward in a positive way. Call us at 585-244-2444 or send an email to: [email protected]