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Holiday Traditions

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A Mediation Center holiday tradition–wrapping gifts at EastView Mall to raise money for Ontario ARC!

I’m probably the most traditional person I know when it comes to my favorite holiday–Christmas. I even look forward to simple traditions, like the sweet potatoes topped with pecans we only have once a year and the raucous gift exchange game with extended family on Christmas Eve.

I often hear families this time of year expressing concern about maintaining their holiday traditions for their children when divorcing. Traditions are comforting. They fill our need for reliability, an element which is often shaken when divorcing.

Yet, every year–like it or not–things change. For one thing, we never had that sweet potato dish in our family until my sister-in-law made it for the first time a decade ago. And we never did that wacky gift exchange until one of our family members skipped a year and came back from Minnesota with this new idea.

My point is, traditions haven’t always been traditions–someone started them. And, while it may be possible to maintain certain traditions, divorce often means that some of them will have to change. As a parent, you have the opportunity to show your children that it is possible to create new and special traditions.

With hopes for peace, inspiration, and a new sense of reliability, here are some “new” traditions to consider:

Thanksgiving movie night followed by going to see Santa on the Friday after Thanksgiving;

Reading “Hershel and the Hanukkah Goblins” after lighting the Menorah;

Playing “The Message Game”–each person writes one thing about every person present they appreciate and then everyone takes turns reading the messages and tries to guess who wrote it;

Hunting for the “Santa Present” that Santa left on Christmas Day when the Child was with her other parent;

Giving each child a special ornament to hang on the tree and then presenting them with “their” ornaments when they move into their first place.

divorce mediation By Renee LaPoint 0 Comments

Should I leave my life insurance to my kids? NO!

It’s said that every adult needs life insurance, especially when they are getting married so that they will continue to support the other should the worst come to pass. However many policyholders often outlive their marriage long before their partner.

Many of my divorcing clients think the easiest thing to do is to simply change their beneficiary designation from their spouse to their children, but leaving money directly to minors means they may be left without the funds needed for their care, which is the whole point of life insurance in the first place, right? So what should you do?

First, don’t change anything until all of your agreements are in place and legally documented. Making changes sooner could cause trouble if you are unable to mediate and end up in litigation.

Second, think about which option would work best for you and your children if you weren’t here. Consider your personal needs and the insurance you already take out. Do you have any disabilities? If you haven’t already, it is important to look into the different types of insurance (perhaps you can take a look at options here), to ensure you know what you, and ultimately your children, are entitled to. There are several choices.

Leave your former spouse as the beneficiary This, obviously, requires no effort on your part if you trust your former spouse to use the funds appropriately to care for the children. However, if your former spouse remarries and you die, and your former spouse subsequently dies, the funds would likely pass to the new spouse as a part of your former spouse’s estate.

Uniform Transfers to Minors Act A parent can establish an UTMA account for the minor through a bank, financial institution or insurance company, name it as the beneficiary of the life insurance policy funds, and name a custodian (often your former spouse who knows the needs of the children) who will manage the funds for the children until they reach emancipation at which time they gain complete control of the funds.

Establish a trust A trust allows for even more control. Written by an attorney, the trust can be named as the beneficiary of the life insurance policy and once funded, a trustee can be named (again, often the surviving parent), and trust language can define how funds are to be used and distributed, as well as the age at which your children will gain direct access to the funds. If you have a child with special needs, it is important to work with an attorney with experience in creating special needs trusts to ensure your child’s benefits are not negatively impacted by inheritance.

Finally, whatever you decide, be sure that your beneficiary designation on the policy itself aligns with your wishes. Simply indicating in your will what you want will not work and could cause delay and expense in carrying out your final wishes. And if you are putting all this time and effort into your life insurance, make sure you have the best policy you can! Canadians could visit policyme.com to compare the best insurance providers in the country.

Your mediator can help you and your spouse to talk through the many important decisions needed to be made when divorcing. For more information contact The Mediation Center at 585-244-2444 or email [email protected].

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A Marriage Myth: Marriage is Obsolete

Heart and handsIt may seem that marriage rates in America are down and more people are opting to live together rather than get married. But, things are not always as they appear.

People are delaying marriage longer than ever (average age at first marriage is now about 27 for women and 29 for men), so, it might seem that the institution is on the way out. But marriage is still important to young people and is now a real option for same sex couples as well.

The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health found that 55 percent of women and 47 percent of men said marriage was a “very important” part of their life plans. Another 29 percent of women and 35 percent of men said it was “somewhat important.”

Only 12 percent of women and 13 percent of men ranked marriage as “not very important,” and a measly 5 percent of each gender said it wasn’t important at all. By 25, 33 percent of women and 29 percent of men had already gotten married; another 30 percent of women and 19 percent of men said they wished they were hitched.

Marriage has a certain wonderful romantic place in our society and in our hearts, especially for women. Girls dream of the flowing white dress with her beloved waiting for her at the end of the aisle. We think of churches with flowers and all of our family and friends, or a beautiful pristine beach with the blue water as a backdrop for your “I do’s”. Or maybe your dream is to be on top of a mountain or in the backyard of your childhood home.

Whatever the dream you have for your wedding, it includes all the romantic notions and lead up to the big day. Initially, there is the engagement and a beautiful ring from somewhere like https://gemaandco.com/collections/solitaire to sparkle every time it catches the light. Once the parties to celebrate are over, it’s time to get down to some serious planning. Just some of things you’re going to want to consider are: the bridal party and wardrobe, the wedding registry, finding the perfect dress from somewhere like Winnie Couture, arranging the venue and food, selecting the music and decorations and the guest list. And of course, tastings for finding the most delicious cake! Even if you elope and it is just the two of you there still remains a nostalgic romance for just the two of you.

Marriage and its definition has transformed through the years, however, marriage still plays a huge role in American culture and is an institution that remains strong as well as ever changing. We all have different values and ideas of what a marriage should be. We need to embrace changes and what works for all of us individually to make it our own.

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Parenting Your Children After Divorce

Divorce and child custody“What children of divorce most want and need is to maintain healthy and strong relationships with both of their parents, and to be shielded from their parents’ conflicts. Some parents, however, in an effort to bolster their parental identity, create an expectation that children choose sides. In more extreme situations, they foster the child’s rejection of the other parent. In the most extreme cases, children are manipulated by one parent to hate the other, despite children’s innate desire to love and be loved by both their parents.”

Excerpt from The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children Published on April 24, 2013 by Edward Kruk, Ph.D. in Co-Parenting After Divorce

Experts recognize the benefit of Children continuing to have loving relationships with both parents after a divorce. This continuation of (or even the beginning of more involved) parental relationships is a key factor in the security and happiness of children after divorce, who often have complex concerns about their futures. Some of their concerns arise when children fear that one or both parents don’t love them anymore, and worry they will be abandoned, just as they have witnessed the parent’s love for each other go away. Children may feel responsible for the divorce, especially if parenting styles have been a cause of conflict between the couple. Children see themselves as a part of each parent, so negative words or actions directed at one parent by the other have the effect of hurting the children as well.

You might find that to make it easy to look after your children after the divorce, that by hiring a nanny or an au pair could greatly benefit you and help your children feel more stable in this sort of situation. There has been an increase in popularity for people becoming an au pair, particularly as it is so easy for young people to apply for the role through sites like Cultural Care Au Pair. However, despite it being easy for people to get this sort of role, as a parent you have to decide if this would help you and your children through the divorce and whether it would be a good idea or not.

It is the relationship with your spouse or partner that you are ending. As hard as it is when you may be feeling a lot of negative emotion towards your soon-to-be-Ex, it is important for you to separate those feelings from your parenting responsibilities. Take care not to involve your children in adult issues that they can’t understand. Your children need both of you in the time of divorce, and if you find you can’t get past your feelings about your spouse or partner, reach out to professional help that is available through school counselors, family and child therapists, religious leaders, divorce coaches and support groups. This is why divorce is such a sensitive procedure. Those going through it might want to get in touch with solicitors who are experienced in family law, like PETERS AND MAY, who may be able to make the whole thing can go as smooth as possible.

Mediating your divorce at The Mediation Center provides the opportunity for you to create two separate but comparable households where your children will share time with each parent, with routines set through a parenting schedule that truly works in the best interest of the children. Your agreement addresses the financial concerns of each household, and the process also helps you continue to communicate and work together to the best of your ability, which will be key in parenting your children together in a way that helps them recover from the divorce. To set up a consultation with a mediator, call 585-244-2444.

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Dividing Retirement Assets


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DIVIDING RETIREMENT ASSETS – Getting it RIGHT so you can get it WRITTEN.

Dividing retirement assets is an important issue for couples entering the process of separation and divorce. Retirement assets are often the most valuable marital assets a couple has along with their marital residence. Whether the couple is in mediation, using Collaborative Law, or negotiating in a traditional litigation model the first step is to gather all the information that is available about each asset before negotiating.  It is very important to get all the details associated with each asset so they can be discussed and decisions can be made with full disclosure and informed consent.  Once the parties have decided how they will be dividing retirement assets, a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO) or a Domestic Relations Order (DRO) will be required to distribute the asset without tax and penalty associated with the transfer (with the exception of IRA transfers).

There are different types of retirement assets including Defined Benefit Plans (often known as Pensions), Defined Contribution Plans- 401(k)’s 403(b)’s, Individual Retirement Accounts (IRA’s), Deferred Compensation Plan’s, Profit Sharing Plans, Cash Benefit Plans, etc.  It is important for the couple to understand what kind of assets/benefits they each own, and the specifics about each asset.  They should be prepared to provide information to the attorneys or mediators with whom they are working.  This will help to determine if an asset is marital, or if some of it is separate property.  Once the asset has been property classified and all of the information about the benefit has been obtained then the parties can negotiate the division of the asset.

When one or both of the parties has a Defined Benefit plan (Pension), then the Summary Plan Description (SPD) for that plan should be obtained by that party and reviewed by the professionals working with the parties.  That SPD  contains the information and options related to the pension benefit.  It is also important to obtain the employment history for the participant including any breaks in service and find out if there are any prior QDRO’s related to the pension.

When one or both parties has a defined contribution plan(s) such as 401(k), IRA, Profit-Sharing, etc., then the parties should obtain the most recent Account Statements- quarterly, semi-annual, or annual and any other documents describing the type of account and account options.

The best practice for negotiating the division retirement assets is to get ALL the information BEFORE negotiating the agreement.  Detailed instructions related to the division of the assets must be included in the final settlement or separation agreement so that the ORDER, QDRO, DRO, or Divorce Decree can be accurately drafted to accomplish the intent of the parties.  If the settlement/separation agreement does not contain the correct language and particularly if it is silent as to survivor benefits those benefits cannot be subsequently drafted into the domestic relations order.  The bottom line is – GET IT RIGHT  in your settlement so you can GET IT WRITTEN in to the final Order which will distribute the retirement asset.

[author_info]Julie V Mersereau, Esq. is a Divorce Mediator and Collaborative Law Attorney serving the greater Rochester New York area. Contact Julie at 585-377-5487, or [email protected][/author_info]

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“Panic to Action” Leads to Poor Outcomes

Calm Panic Buttons Show Panicking Or CalmnessWhen conflict hits it can feel like a crisis urging us to act quickly. That makes sense because adrenaline and other stress hormones flood our body and brain preparing us to take flight or fight. This can lead to heroic acts like lifting a car off a trapped person, but in our daily lives it more often leads to a panic to action that causes all kinds of bad decisions and outcomes.

This is especially true when going through a divorce because there are so many unknowns: What will we do about the children? Where will we live? Will I be able to afford to retire in the future? Will I have to pay support? Will I receive support?

Yet, reflection, not reaction, are needed when working through a difficult situation. Take the time you need to think things through. If your spouse is pressuring you to act, reassure them by giving them a timeframe when you will give them answers or schedule an appointment with a mediator. Say something like, “This is really important and I don’t have the proper time to deal with it now. I will have more to share next week.”

Although divorce may be the last thing you want to be going through, ask yourself, if this situation worked out perfectly, what would the result be? This often leads to an immediate sense of calm because you are shifting your brain’s attention away from panic and focusing on a positive outcome. Next, ask yourself why that particular result is important.

Discovering why we want an outcome helps us to understand how we are feeling and what we are needing. Let’s say I am a parent and the best outcome for me would be to keep our current home and have the children spend weeknights with me. I could be feeling anxious because I have a need for security for my children. Or, I might be feeling scared, because I have a need for support from my neighborhood friends. You get the idea.

I may not get everything I want, but identifying how I am feeling and why I want an outcome helps me to regain a sense of control and opens up options to get to my needs met. For example, I may come to the conclusion that visiting my doctor and discussing medical marijuana, and how something like these fat buddha glass bubblers will allow me to consume the product in the best way to get the most out of it. This solution won’t come to light unless you seek out the answers to lead a better, more controlled life. It really is that simple. Operating out of pure emotion without understanding what is driving me will often lead to hasty decisions to make the bad feelings go away. For help through divorce, contact a mediator today at 585-244-2444 or [email protected].

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Divorce should not define you

So you are going through a divorce. You, and half of the people who

path thru woods photoever get married. Who will you be after the divorce? You will be the same person you were before the divorce. Only now you are not in a relationship with your (soon-to-be-ex) spouse.

There is a shift in people, places, things and finances. You are at a threshold of change, just like when you graduated from high school, and possibly college, or entered the workforce, or even when you got married. All of those events required thinking through how you would take on the new place you were in life. So does divorce.

Change can be difficult, especially if you have little control over the divorce process. Mediating your divorce gives you and your spouse the opportunity to create a fair and equitable agreement for each of you, and for your children. Using mediation, instead of the divorce becoming a way of being and a way of defining you, divorce becomes a document that ends a marriage contract, and allows each of you to move forward.

So who are you going to be in the next step in life? The possibilities are endless.

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Reinventing Yourself After Divorce

ReiRespectnventing yourself after a divorce can be a daunting task, however, it is one that is necessary for moving on and yes, it is possible, but it’s not easy. Taking care of you and your children, if you have them, is priority one. Putting your children first during this time and being the best parent you can be, does not have to mean you neglect yourself and your own needs.

Self-esteem and divorce don’t mix together well. At best, your divorce leaves you happy to finally move on. At worst, you’re scraping yourself off the floor and this is not something you wanted.

Being a newly single person comes with many different emotions and potentials. Taking care of yourself and nurturing your self-esteem will have a positive effect on your life moving forward as well as being a positive role model for your children.

Divorce comes with grief and there is a grieving process we all must go through after divorce. Allow yourself that time to grieve and when you are ready, find out who YOU are and be the person you want to be now that you are on your own.

Find friends with similar interests, embrace what you love about yourself, get involved with what you have always wanted to do, but always seemed to put off and go buy that one thing you never would have when you were with your spouse (as long as you can afford it). Whether it is new shoes or a new toy, do it for you and your self-esteem. You will find that taking care of yourself and allowing happiness after divorce will help you move forward.

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Divorce Mediation or Collaborative Law ?

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As a Divorce Mediator and Collaborative Law Attorney I am often asked what is the difference between mediation and collaborative law? And then I am asked “which process is going to be better for me?” The answer is not one-size- fits all. There are many factors to take into consideration. Each participant in the process has different needs, and couples have different needs and communication styles. I find the following chart useful to describe the both processes and how they differ. It is most important to speak with a professional divorce mediator and a collaborative law attorney to get your questions answered and to assist you in choosing with process best meets your needs. There are many many mediators out there that can help resolve your family law mediation whether it involves divorce settlement or some other issue to be resolved.

What is the difference between mediation and collaborative law?

PARTICIPANTS-

MEDIATION-

-Husband, Wife, Mediator.

-Parties can be referred to professionals outside of the process to assist with particular issues such as financial advice, mental health support or evaluations.

 COLLABORATIVE LAW-

-Husband, Wife, Husband’s Lawyer, Wife’s Lawyer meet together at “4-way” conferences.

-May also have Child specialist, Process Facilitator, Financial specialist, coach for either party or other professional to assist.

WHAT ARE THE COSTS?

-Determined by number of sessions and complexity of issues.

-Generally less expensive than Collaborative because the participants pay for one Mediator.

-Usually less expensive than litigation. The participants have more control over time and costs.

-Determined by number of meetings, number of professionals involved, and complexity of issues.

-Generally more expensive than mediation because two attorneys are present at every meeting and the additional professionals are paid for attendance at meetings as well.

-Usually less expensive than litigation because it is more efficient and the parties have control over time and costs.

WHAT ABOUT LAWYERS ?

-Participants may hire an attorney to represent them for advice during the mediation, or after the mediation to review the agreement.

-An attorney is hired to complete the legal paperwork necessary to complete the process.

-Each party has their own attorney present throughout the collaborative process.

-All meetings are “4-way” conferences with both parties and their attorneys present.

-The attorney’s complete the legal paperwork necessary to complete the process.

How do I decide what process is best for me?
There are many factors that impact which process is best for an individual. You should analyze your ability and your spouse’s (other participant’s) ability to negotiate honestly and openly. You should assess your need to have an alpharetta divorce lawyer present with you at the negotiation table, your ability to communicate your needs and wants and to advocate for yourself, and the funds available for the divorce/separation process.

ALWAYS take the time to meet with a mediator and a collaborative attorney to discuss your questions about process and to get assistance choosing the process that is best for you.

[author_info]Julie V Mersereau, Esq. is an experienced Divorce Mediator and Collaborative Family Law Attorney- Contact info: [email protected]; 585-377-5487[/author_info]

divorce mediation By Renee LaPoint 0 Comments

Do we have to sell our house if we are getting divorced?

Erasing FearWhen people work together through mediation, they can focus on meeting the interests and needs of their family, rather than “settling” their property. This opens up all kinds of creative possibilities including what to do with their home.

Many couples hope to keep their home. For some, it is important to keep their children in the same home and neighborhood, at least during the transition of the divorce. Others have put a great deal of work and effort into their home and one or the other would really like to keep it and live there. Still others are concerned about the financial investment and determining the best timing for a sale.

Some couples sell their home. Others decide that one person will “buy-out” the other person’s equity in the property. Still others continue to own the home jointly for a period of time. Each option has positive and negative consequences and numerous decisions that must be made about how it will take place. A mediator can facilitate a conversation the helps couples stay open to possibilities while exploring options and thinking through decisions. Contact a mediator today at 585-244-2444 or [email protected].