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“What children of divorce most want and need is to maintain healthy and strong relationships with both of their parents, and to be shielded from their parents’ conflicts. Some parents, however, in an effort to bolster their parental identity, create an expectation that children choose sides. In more extreme situations, they foster the child’s rejection of the other parent. In the most extreme cases, children are manipulated by one parent to hate the other, despite children’s innate desire to love and be loved by both their parents.”

Excerpt from The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children Published on April 24, 2013 by Edward Kruk, Ph.D. in Co-Parenting After Divorce

Experts recognize the benefit of Children continuing to have loving relationships with both parents after a divorce. This continuation of (or even the beginning of more involved) parental relationships is a key factor in the security and happiness of children after divorce, who often have complex concerns about their futures. Some of their concerns arise when children fear that one or both parents don’t love them anymore, and worry they will be abandoned, just as they have witnessed the parent’s love for each other go away. Children may feel responsible for the divorce, especially if parenting styles have been a cause of conflict between the couple. Children see themselves as a part of each parent, so negative words or actions directed at one parent by the other have the effect of hurting the children as well.

You might find that to make it easy to look after your children after the divorce, that by hiring a nanny or an au pair could greatly benefit you and help your children feel more stable in this sort of situation. There has been an increase in popularity for people becoming an au pair, particularly as it is so easy for young people to apply for the role through sites like Cultural Care Au Pair. However, despite it being easy for people to get this sort of role, as a parent you have to decide if this would help you and your children through the divorce and whether it would be a good idea or not.

It is the relationship with your spouse or partner that you are ending. As hard as it is when you may be feeling a lot of negative emotion towards your soon-to-be-Ex, it is important for you to separate those feelings from your parenting responsibilities. Take care not to involve your children in adult issues that they can’t understand. Your children need both of you in the time of divorce, and if you find you can’t get past your feelings about your spouse or partner, reach out to professional help that is available through school counselors, family and child therapists, religious leaders, divorce coaches and support groups. This is why divorce is such a sensitive procedure. Those going through it might want to get in touch with solicitors who are experienced in family law, like PETERS AND MAY, who may be able to make the whole thing can go as smooth as possible.

Mediating your divorce at The Mediation Center provides the opportunity for you to create two separate but comparable households where your children will share time with each parent, with routines set through a parenting schedule that truly works in the best interest of the children. Your agreement addresses the financial concerns of each household, and the process also helps you continue to communicate and work together to the best of your ability, which will be key in parenting your children together in a way that helps them recover from the divorce. To set up a consultation with a mediator, call 585-244-2444.

A very important point for mediators to remember when preparing a memorandum of understanding is that under New York State law, a presumption is created that that many designations made during a marriage are revoked upon a divorce.  Often times, a spouse will desire to have his or her ex-spouse continue to be the beneficiary on an insurance policy or a retirement asset.  Sometimes a spouse will desire their ex-spouse continue as his or her health care agent, or executor or executrix of his or her will.  In all these situations, the presumption is the designation fails upon divorce.  In order to disprove the presumption, the designation must be remade post-divorce or the designation must be included in the judgment of divorce.  A reminder  in the memorandum of understanding that the parties should talk to their attorneys about remaking the designation or including the designation in their judgment of divorce, could help your clients achieve their desired outcome.

It is important for new mediators to discuss issues with more experienced mediators, mediators of all levels of experience to bounce questions off their peers, and for the exchange of information to occur in the mediation community.  The Rochester Association of Family Mediators (“RAFM”) is a professional organization of family and divorce mediators practicing in the greater Rochester area.  It is an excellent forum to meet the needs and goals of local mediators.  Mediators from as far away as Oneida, Tompkins, and Genesee Counties have taken advantage of the programs offered by RAFM.  There are regular meetings on the second Tuesday of each month (September through June) from 9:00 AM to 10:00 AM,  in the Stage Conference Room of Brighton Town Hall, 2300 Elmwood Avenue, Rochester, NY 14618- guests are welcome.   For more information on RAFM, check out the website http://www.rafm.net/

Last year I had my first experience climbing a rock wall. I was literally tethered to my friend Jude, who controlled the amount of rope I was given in order to climb and was my only support when I was ready to return to earth. On my first climb, I froze part way up, not wanting to go forward or backward. While clinging to the wall, my palms began to sweat and my legs became like jelly. My body was literally failing me. Read more

During the holiday season 2012, Ontario ARC’s annual Holiday Gift Wrapping Booth celebrated its 17th year at Eastview Mall.   The Gift Wrapping Booth was initially established by the Mediation Center’s Bobbie Dillon.  Over the years, Bobbie, her family and friends have always volunteered to wrap gifts.  This past year was no different- Bobbie recruited the rest of the Mediation Center team,  Barb Kimbrough, Julie Mersereau, Renee LaPoint, and Don Crumb, to spend an evening wrapping gifts.  It was a fun time for all of us!

All of the proceed from the gift wrapping booth benefit Pet Connections — the Ontario ARC’s amazing program that connects pets and people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.  For more details on the ARC and its programs check out http://www.ontarioarc.org/

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.”—Joseph Campbell

When I’m working with divorcing couples, one of the most important things I do as a mediator is to attempt to alter time and space! What does that mean…?

Going through a divorce is stressful and consuming. It’s a major adjustment. But what lies beyond that? What happens when you have adjusted, and have the space to move forward? People have the rest of their lives ahead of them—it’s just hard to picture that as you are going through the divorce.

My job is to help my clients look into the future and to get them to imagine how their lives will look five, ten, twenty years from now. That plays a large role in the choices they are going to make in their divorce agreement. What financial support would you need to go back and finish your master’s degree so you can get a better job, now that you are living on a single income? What if you are going to want your children to go to religious or other private school once they are school aged? What would you want in your parenting plan if you or your spouse meets someone? Marries someone? What if you get a great job offer in another city?

The areas covered in a separation or divorce agreement need to include provisions for these types of situations, or at least include commitments to get together, discuss them and come to agreements in response to a triggering event in the future.

Too many people going through divorce feel stressed, guilty, or withdrawn from the situation to the point where they decide they just need to get it over with. It’s a position they may regret later on.

Sometimes helping my clients make the best choices means making sure they understand their options, sometimes it means referring them to the appropriate professional who can go through financial needs or legal rights with them, but always, it means getting them to think “What will be my story? What are the different paths I might take from here and how can I be prepared for them?”

That’s why it’s so important for me to hold a window to the future open to my clients and get them to think, “What if….”