Category: The Mediation Center

It may seem that marriage rates in America are down and more people are opting to live together rather than get married. But, things are not always as they appear.

People are delaying marriage longer than ever (average age at first marriage is now about 27 for women and 29 for men), so, it might seem that the institution is on the way out. But marriage is still important to young people and is now a real option for same sex couples as well.

The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health found that 55 percent of women and 47 percent of men said marriage was a “very important” part of their life plans. Another 29 percent of women and 35 percent of men said it was “somewhat important.”

Only 12 percent of women and 13 percent of men ranked marriage as “not very important,” and a measly 5 percent of each gender said it wasn’t important at all. By 25, 33 percent of women and 29 percent of men had already gotten married; another 30 percent of women and 19 percent of men said they wished they were hitched.

Marriage has a certain wonderful romantic place in our society and in our hearts, especially for women. Girls dream of the flowing white dress with her beloved waiting for her at the end of the aisle. We think of churches with flowers and all of our family and friends, or a beautiful pristine beach with the blue water as a backdrop for your “I do’s”. Or maybe your dream is to be on top of a mountain or in the backyard of your childhood home.

Whatever the dream you have for your wedding, it includes all the romantic notions and lead up to the big day. Initially, there is the engagement and a beautiful ring from somewhere like https://gemaandco.com/collections/solitaire to sparkle every time it catches the light. Once the parties to celebrate are over, it’s time to get down to some serious planning. Just some of things you’re going to want to consider are: the bridal party and wardrobe, the wedding registry, finding the perfect dress from somewhere like Winnie Couture, arranging the venue and food, selecting the music and decorations and the guest list. And of course, tastings for finding the most delicious cake! Even if you elope and it is just the two of you there still remains a nostalgic romance for just the two of you.

Marriage and its definition has transformed through the years, however, marriage still plays a huge role in American culture and is an institution that remains strong as well as ever changing. We all have different values and ideas of what a marriage should be. We need to embrace changes and what works for all of us individually to make it our own.

So you are going through a divorce. You, and half of the people who

ever get married. Who will you be after the divorce? You will be the same person you were before the divorce. Only now you are not in a relationship with your (soon-to-be-ex) spouse.

There is a shift in people, places, things and finances. You are at a threshold of change, just like when you graduated from high school, and possibly college, or entered the workforce, or even when you got married. All of those events required thinking through how you would take on the new place you were in life. So does divorce.

Change can be difficult, especially if you have little control over the divorce process. Mediating your divorce gives you and your spouse the opportunity to create a fair and equitable agreement for each of you, and for your children. Using mediation, instead of the divorce becoming a way of being and a way of defining you, divorce becomes a document that ends a marriage contract, and allows each of you to move forward.

So who are you going to be in the next step in life? The possibilities are endless.

Reinventing yourself after a divorce can be a daunting task, however, it is one that is necessary for moving on and yes, it is possible, but it’s not easy. Taking care of you and your children, if you have them, is priority one. Putting your children first during this time and being the best parent you can be, does not have to mean you neglect yourself and your own needs.

Self-esteem and divorce don’t mix together well. At best, your divorce leaves you happy to finally move on. At worst, you’re scraping yourself off the floor and this is not something you wanted.

Being a newly single person comes with many different emotions and potentials. Taking care of yourself and nurturing your self-esteem will have a positive effect on your life moving forward as well as being a positive role model for your children.

Divorce comes with grief and there is a grieving process we all must go through after divorce. Allow yourself that time to grieve and when you are ready, find out who YOU are and be the person you want to be now that you are on your own.

Find friends with similar interests, embrace what you love about yourself, get involved with what you have always wanted to do, but always seemed to put off and go buy that one thing you never would have when you were with your spouse (as long as you can afford it). Whether it is new shoes or a new toy, do it for you and your self-esteem. You will find that taking care of yourself and allowing happiness after divorce will help you move forward.

Married parents cannot sue each other. Divorced parents, or those who never married, can and do. Judges routinely decide where the children of divorced parents will attend school, worship and receive medical care; judges may even decide whether they play soccer or take piano lessons.

Judges do this because the law assumes that divorced parents’ interests in their children, unlike the interests of married parents, are not aligned. This is an outdated idea. The view of exes as opponents dates from an era when divorce and childbearing outside of marriage were rare. It is reflected in the legal language of a bygone time. One parent won custody, care and control of the children. The other became a visitor.

Today, close to half of first marriages end in divorce. About 40 percent of children are born outside of marriage. Custody is routinely shared by parents living apart. Many states have dropped the term “custody” altogether for more family-friendly terms. You no longer win or lose custody. You develop a parenting plan.

Psychologists, similar to those from Clear Child Psychology, and decades of research support this shift. Cooperative parenting benefits children, whether parents live together or apart. Just ask any kid whose divorced parents are at war, “What are three wishes for your family?” You can bet that one will be a version of “I wish my parents would stop putting me in the middle.”

Surprisingly, even when unmarried parents agree on a plan, judges can overrule it. For example, a judge may not like a complex joint custody schedule. If so, she can decide when the separated parents spend time with their children, even though they agreed otherwise.

This makes no sense. We may need judges to decide some divorce disputes. But when it comes to parenting, as much as possible, the law should treat unmarried people more like married people. Instead of telling parents how to bring up their children, we should honor – and encourage – agreements between parents.

We can do this with a very simple change in the law. When judges make decisions, they are guided by the “best interests of the child” – a list of factors like the parents’ mental health and the child’s wishes. States should add parental agreement to the list, and make it the primary consideration. This would mean that, at least when they agree, unmarried parents, not judges, make decisions about their children.

This change could help us move away from litigation and toward alternative kinds of dispute resolution.

In a 2001 randomized study of child custody conflicts, I compared litigation and mediation, and found that six hours of mediation caused huge improvements in family relationships a full 12 years later. Other cooperative methods include collaborative law (where lawyers negotiate cooperatively) and parenting coordination (an informal mediation-arbitration procedure). We must make these our primary methods, not alternatives.

By honoring parental agreements, our laws would allow parents living apart to make enforceable contracts. Parents could make a deal, for example, that a parenting coordinator could make decisions for them in the future if they fail to agree. Currently, the legal status of such agreements is questionable, because judges, not divorced parents, hold decision-making authority over children. In an extreme move, Pennsylvania recently outlawed this practice, ruling that only judges could make decisions in custody cases.

Allowing parents to make contracts would help solve another thorny problem: sharing care of very young children. Experts are debating how much time babies should spend with just one parent versus with both parents. Many believe that babies need to form a secure attachment to one parent (most often the mother) and that too much separation will undermine a baby’s sense of security. Others worry that too little contact will weaken the second parent’s attachment, potentially leading him to drop out of his child’s life.

A logical solution is for parents to make a plan that will grow and change along with their child. A baby might stay mostly with one parent, and time with the other parent could increase during the toddler and preschool years. Perhaps the parents would share 50-50 custody when their baby is of school age.

Sadly, this common-sense approach is undermined by laws that do not honor such agreements, and push parents to fight instead. Lawyers wisely tell breast-feeding mothers to fight for full custody. Judges are likely to be sympathetic to a nursing mother. Yet lawyers also wisely tell the fathers of babies to fight for their custody share. The father’s case will be weakened if he waits until his baby is older, because he will have a record of relative uninvolvement. If you’re in need of legal representation in divorce proceedings, you can see divorce lawyers here who may be able to be of service to you.

Our legal system has always seen the wisdom of encouraging married parents to work together. Now it needs to recognize that divorced and never-married parents are not so different. After all, partners with children are tied together forever. My first wife and I separated in 1989. On May 1 of this year, we sat together in a maternity ward waiting room, sharing the anxiety and joy of the birth of our first grandchild. We struggled at times. But we always struggled to work together as parents.

Your emotional impulse in divorce is to hurt back, because you hurt so badly. Our legal system should work against that impulse, not encourage it. That, truly, is in the best interest of the child.

Robert E. Emery is a professor of psychology and the director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia, and the author of the forthcoming book “Two Parents, One Childhood: A Parenting Plan to Last a Lifetime.”

   When you decide that staying in a marriage or long-term relationship is no longer healthy or possible, you realize that you are ending a relationship with your spouse or partner. Who else is getting divorced with you?

Of course if you have children, you realize it will be difficult for them. They will be ‘divorced’ from having a two-parent home. If both parents move to new homes, they will be ‘divorced’ from the home they are used to. They may be ‘divorced’ from friends who live in their current neighborhood and the school they were attending. They may also be getting ‘divorced’ from their ballet class, soccer team, boy or girl scout troop, etc. They will be ‘divorced’ from the security of having parents who care for them jointly.

Your parents and in-laws may be getting ‘divorced’ from the other spouse/partner. They may also be getting ‘divorced’ from their grandchildren in terms of the holidays, vacations and other times they previously shared.

You and your spouse/partner’s mutual friends may well end up being ‘divorced’ from one or the other of you because they find it too hard to maintain a friendship with both.

In certain religions where divorce is not readily accepted, you may be getting ‘divorced’ from that religious community.

None of these are reasons for you not to end the relationship, but all of them need to be thought through, so that new support systems can be put in place, new activities scheduled for children, new holiday traditions implemented, and new friends made—for everyone involved in your divorce.

People in new relationships really should examine the issues that matter to them most before jumping in too deep with another person. Realistically and rationally discussing your goals, hopes, desires, needs and values with your significant other early on in the relationship can save heartache in the long run.

Very new couples and relationships have inherent concerns that can significantly impact their relationships. Issues stem from a variety of sources, including contrasting philosophies, backgrounds, goals, morals, age disparities and health needs.

Sometimes the issues are major. For instance, a husband has two children from a previous marriage who live with him on the weekends. At other times, they’re relatively trivial: She’s a health nut who runs two marathons each year, but he hates exercise and is 15 pounds overweight.

These concerns aren’t necessarily deal-breakers. Both partners may possess the character and commitment that will make them desirable spouses. Still, the issues will crop up throughout the marriage and influence how well they get along. So addressing the issues early in a relationship and how you think you and your partner can work together to successfully navigate them, can be critical to the long term health of your relationship.

Here are some helpful tips; some may be more applicable than others to your specific situation:

Listening to loved ones

Built-in differences are often crystal clear to outsiders. Family members and friends have no trouble seeing a partner’s drawbacks and assessing where problems are likely to arise. In addition, they watch how both people interact and see which topics cause conflict.

Loved ones may even express their concerns. A man pulls his soon-to-be-married brother aside and says, “You know, she’s going to want kids. And yours are already grown. Do you really want to start over with a new family at this stage of your life?” Unfortunately, couples too often turn a blind eye to potential problems. They gloss over the importance of their differences. They rationalize that love conquers all. Couples may even rebel against loved ones’ input, choosing to marry despite glaring pitfalls. As a result, they’re broadsided by troubles they were hoping to avoid or sweep under the marital rug.

Examine issues early

The best time to discuss difficult issues is early in the relationship, as soon as the topics crop up. That way, partners can determine whether they’re compatible before becoming too emotionally involved.

If one person repeatedly tries to downplay the inherent issues, or if the topics turn out to be insurmountable, it’s a sign that the relationship shouldn’t continue. It’s best to end it ASAP so both members are free to find a better match.

Of course, adaptation is required in all relationships. And new problems appear along the way. But going in with both eyes open helps you prepare for whatever comes.

HOW TO RESOLVE INHERENT ISSUES

• Identify sources of conflict. Notice the situations and topics that seem to lead to long, intense discussion or acrimonious fights. These denote your relationship’s rough edges, the places where the two of you don’t mesh.
• Listen to others’ assessment. Friends and family members can be more objective. It’s good to hear their input.
• Devise a plan. Create specific strategies to make your marriage work. For instance, if your fiancee has a large credit card debt, decide how you’re going to pay it off and live within your means. You could get help from Sofi to sort out your finances with their credit card consolidation service.
• Stay calm. These are difficult issues, and nothing’s written in stone. Be sensitive and respectful during your negotiations. Let your partner know you care.
• Recognize your differences. No matter how hard you work, you’ll still be two unique people. Honor what each one of you brings to the relationship.
• Allow your relationship to evolve. Old problems will fade into the background. New ones will inevitably creep in. Your marriage will continually ebb and flow as your needs and concerns change.
• Seek help. A skilled, neutral person can help navigate touchy topics. Find a therapist, pastor, or mediator to assist in your negotiations.

From: The San Luis Obispo Tribune and Linda Lewis Griffith