Category: Blog

Married parents cannot sue each other. Divorced parents, or those who never married, can and do. Judges routinely decide where the children of divorced parents will attend school, worship and receive medical care; judges may even decide whether they play soccer or take piano lessons.

Judges do this because the law assumes that divorced parents’ interests in their children, unlike the interests of married parents, are not aligned. This is an outdated idea. The view of exes as opponents dates from an era when divorce and childbearing outside of marriage were rare. It is reflected in the legal language of a bygone time. One parent won custody, care and control of the children. The other became a visitor.

Today, close to half of first marriages end in divorce. About 40 percent of children are born outside of marriage. Custody is routinely shared by parents living apart. Many states have dropped the term “custody” altogether for more family-friendly terms. You no longer win or lose custody. You develop a parenting plan.

Psychologists, similar to those from Clear Child Psychology, and decades of research support this shift. Cooperative parenting benefits children, whether parents live together or apart. Just ask any kid whose divorced parents are at war, “What are three wishes for your family?” You can bet that one will be a version of “I wish my parents would stop putting me in the middle.”

Surprisingly, even when unmarried parents agree on a plan, judges can overrule it. For example, a judge may not like a complex joint custody schedule. If so, she can decide when the separated parents spend time with their children, even though they agreed otherwise.

This makes no sense. We may need judges to decide some divorce disputes. But when it comes to parenting, as much as possible, the law should treat unmarried people more like married people. Instead of telling parents how to bring up their children, we should honor – and encourage – agreements between parents.

We can do this with a very simple change in the law. When judges make decisions, they are guided by the “best interests of the child” – a list of factors like the parents’ mental health and the child’s wishes. States should add parental agreement to the list, and make it the primary consideration. This would mean that, at least when they agree, unmarried parents, not judges, make decisions about their children.

This change could help us move away from litigation and toward alternative kinds of dispute resolution.

In a 2001 randomized study of child custody conflicts, I compared litigation and mediation, and found that six hours of mediation caused huge improvements in family relationships a full 12 years later. Other cooperative methods include collaborative law (where lawyers negotiate cooperatively) and parenting coordination (an informal mediation-arbitration procedure). We must make these our primary methods, not alternatives.

By honoring parental agreements, our laws would allow parents living apart to make enforceable contracts. Parents could make a deal, for example, that a parenting coordinator could make decisions for them in the future if they fail to agree. Currently, the legal status of such agreements is questionable, because judges, not divorced parents, hold decision-making authority over children. In an extreme move, Pennsylvania recently outlawed this practice, ruling that only judges could make decisions in custody cases.

Allowing parents to make contracts would help solve another thorny problem: sharing care of very young children. Experts are debating how much time babies should spend with just one parent versus with both parents. Many believe that babies need to form a secure attachment to one parent (most often the mother) and that too much separation will undermine a baby’s sense of security. Others worry that too little contact will weaken the second parent’s attachment, potentially leading him to drop out of his child’s life.

A logical solution is for parents to make a plan that will grow and change along with their child. A baby might stay mostly with one parent, and time with the other parent could increase during the toddler and preschool years. Perhaps the parents would share 50-50 custody when their baby is of school age.

Sadly, this common-sense approach is undermined by laws that do not honor such agreements, and push parents to fight instead. Lawyers wisely tell breast-feeding mothers to fight for full custody. Judges are likely to be sympathetic to a nursing mother. Yet lawyers also wisely tell the fathers of babies to fight for their custody share. The father’s case will be weakened if he waits until his baby is older, because he will have a record of relative uninvolvement. If you’re in need of legal representation in divorce proceedings, you can see divorce lawyers here who may be able to be of service to you.

Our legal system has always seen the wisdom of encouraging married parents to work together. Now it needs to recognize that divorced and never-married parents are not so different. After all, partners with children are tied together forever. My first wife and I separated in 1989. On May 1 of this year, we sat together in a maternity ward waiting room, sharing the anxiety and joy of the birth of our first grandchild. We struggled at times. But we always struggled to work together as parents.

Your emotional impulse in divorce is to hurt back, because you hurt so badly. Our legal system should work against that impulse, not encourage it. That, truly, is in the best interest of the child.

Robert E. Emery is a professor of psychology and the director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia, and the author of the forthcoming book “Two Parents, One Childhood: A Parenting Plan to Last a Lifetime.”

   When you decide that staying in a marriage or long-term relationship is no longer healthy or possible, you realize that you are ending a relationship with your spouse or partner. Who else is getting divorced with you?

Of course if you have children, you realize it will be difficult for them. They will be ‘divorced’ from having a two-parent home. If both parents move to new homes, they will be ‘divorced’ from the home they are used to. They may be ‘divorced’ from friends who live in their current neighborhood and the school they were attending. They may also be getting ‘divorced’ from their ballet class, soccer team, boy or girl scout troop, etc. They will be ‘divorced’ from the security of having parents who care for them jointly.

Your parents and in-laws may be getting ‘divorced’ from the other spouse/partner. They may also be getting ‘divorced’ from their grandchildren in terms of the holidays, vacations and other times they previously shared.

You and your spouse/partner’s mutual friends may well end up being ‘divorced’ from one or the other of you because they find it too hard to maintain a friendship with both.

In certain religions where divorce is not readily accepted, you may be getting ‘divorced’ from that religious community.

None of these are reasons for you not to end the relationship, but all of them need to be thought through, so that new support systems can be put in place, new activities scheduled for children, new holiday traditions implemented, and new friends made—for everyone involved in your divorce.

People in new relationships really should examine the issues that matter to them most before jumping in too deep with another person. Realistically and rationally discussing your goals, hopes, desires, needs and values with your significant other early on in the relationship can save heartache in the long run.

Very new couples and relationships have inherent concerns that can significantly impact their relationships. Issues stem from a variety of sources, including contrasting philosophies, backgrounds, goals, morals, age disparities and health needs.

Sometimes the issues are major. For instance, a husband has two children from a previous marriage who live with him on the weekends. At other times, they’re relatively trivial: She’s a health nut who runs two marathons each year, but he hates exercise and is 15 pounds overweight.

These concerns aren’t necessarily deal-breakers. Both partners may possess the character and commitment that will make them desirable spouses. Still, the issues will crop up throughout the marriage and influence how well they get along. So addressing the issues early in a relationship and how you think you and your partner can work together to successfully navigate them, can be critical to the long term health of your relationship.

Here are some helpful tips; some may be more applicable than others to your specific situation:

Listening to loved ones

Built-in differences are often crystal clear to outsiders. Family members and friends have no trouble seeing a partner’s drawbacks and assessing where problems are likely to arise. In addition, they watch how both people interact and see which topics cause conflict.

Loved ones may even express their concerns. A man pulls his soon-to-be-married brother aside and says, “You know, she’s going to want kids. And yours are already grown. Do you really want to start over with a new family at this stage of your life?” Unfortunately, couples too often turn a blind eye to potential problems. They gloss over the importance of their differences. They rationalize that love conquers all. Couples may even rebel against loved ones’ input, choosing to marry despite glaring pitfalls. As a result, they’re broadsided by troubles they were hoping to avoid or sweep under the marital rug.

Examine issues early

The best time to discuss difficult issues is early in the relationship, as soon as the topics crop up. That way, partners can determine whether they’re compatible before becoming too emotionally involved.

If one person repeatedly tries to downplay the inherent issues, or if the topics turn out to be insurmountable, it’s a sign that the relationship shouldn’t continue. It’s best to end it ASAP so both members are free to find a better match.

Of course, adaptation is required in all relationships. And new problems appear along the way. But going in with both eyes open helps you prepare for whatever comes.

HOW TO RESOLVE INHERENT ISSUES

• Identify sources of conflict. Notice the situations and topics that seem to lead to long, intense discussion or acrimonious fights. These denote your relationship’s rough edges, the places where the two of you don’t mesh.
• Listen to others’ assessment. Friends and family members can be more objective. It’s good to hear their input.
• Devise a plan. Create specific strategies to make your marriage work. For instance, if your fiancee has a large credit card debt, decide how you’re going to pay it off and live within your means. You could get help from Sofi to sort out your finances with their credit card consolidation service.
• Stay calm. These are difficult issues, and nothing’s written in stone. Be sensitive and respectful during your negotiations. Let your partner know you care.
• Recognize your differences. No matter how hard you work, you’ll still be two unique people. Honor what each one of you brings to the relationship.
• Allow your relationship to evolve. Old problems will fade into the background. New ones will inevitably creep in. Your marriage will continually ebb and flow as your needs and concerns change.
• Seek help. A skilled, neutral person can help navigate touchy topics. Find a therapist, pastor, or mediator to assist in your negotiations.

From: The San Luis Obispo Tribune and Linda Lewis Griffith

How do you know when it’s time to pull the plug on an unhappy relationship? No, it’s not the first minute or time you’re unhappy. Relationships have ups and downs, and go in cycles, sometimes are happier and better than others. There are a few factors to consider, and you still may be second guessing yourself:

• Either of you are unfaithful, or you wish your spouse would have an affair (so you could leave and make it their fault) or you’re thinking of having an affair. Either or both of you are not getting what you need, physically or emotionally, if you’re looking to other people.
• If you didn’t have kids, you would’ve broken up long ago. The kids need positive role models of happy adults, so that’s what they can grow up to be. Your kids will learn what they are meant to do, based upon what you actually do.
• When you have different lives and don’t spend time together. Unless you look forward to spending time together no matter what you’re doing (or even if you’re doing nothing), you’re not partnered up right. Happily remarried, I definitely look forward to spending time with my husband, even if it’s just watching a great show or going to the grocery store. With the first guy, I avoided it at all costs.
• You bicker or fight constantly. What are you not saying that needs to be said? Bickering and fighting can be a sign of a deeper, more significant issue. Sometimes what you really want to say is, “I’m done.” If that’s the case, take a hard look at saying that, instead of continuing down the path you’re on.
• Someone has a drug or alcohol addiction and they refuse to get help. Addiction is a strong word, so let’s start with this: if you need a glass of wine to “deal with your day,” that could be a problem. I want the occasional glass of wine and some chocolate, I don’t need it. If your spouse or partner drinks or does drugs daily, heavily, then you need to take a hard look and make some tough decisions, as this is the model your kids see. Recommending them to go to one of the many alcohol treatment centers could be a great step in the right direction, to allow them to focus on getting better and work on their addiction in a safe space. If they refuse any help then you and the kids should always come first.

By all means, if it’s time for your relationship to end, end it; both for yourself, and if you have them, for your kids.

Huffington Post 2014

A good divorce is better than a bad marriage……

If it is time to end your relationship and you want a process that is more amicable and saves you time and money, consider mediation. The better option for separation or divorce. If would like to know what to do next, give me a call at 585-269-8140 or send me an email: [email protected].

All calls are confidential and I am happy to answer all your questions.

Taking the first step towards a separation or divorce can be very scary. If you are reading this, you are on your way to exploring your options for a separation or divorce. Making a change, no matter what it is, can seem overwhelming and there is so much fear of the unknown that we all have.

What will life be like if you aren’t with your spouse anymore? What about the kids? How will we get by? These are very difficult questions to answer. Our job is to walk you through the steps and answer the questions that will help you though this transition and help you lay the groundwork for life after separation or divorce. We, as mediators, do not make the decisions for you, rather we provide you with the information you need to make good decisions. We make sure you cover everything that needs to be covered for a divorce or separation. Everything from parenting schedules to finances and distribution of assets/liabilities.

If you are ready to take the first step or think you are ready, email us at [email protected] or call us at 585-244-2444.

All calls are confidential. You can speak directly with a mediator and decide if you would like to set-up an initial consultation. This first meeting is information only and will help you decide if mediation is right for you and your spouse.

Mediation is facilitated negotiation. That means each person is advocating for his or her own needs with the assistance of the mediator. Mediation can be an opportunity to learn skills, such as negotiation, that can be helpful for years to come. So how do you advocate for yourself in a negotiation? Here are some tips to get you started:

*Identify your needs–Needs are different from interests and desires. We all wish that certain things will go our way. A desire is to keep your house. A need is a place to live. Knowing what we need is a bottom line and helps to define the least that is acceptable.

*Think creatively–It can be hard not to focus on the outcome when you are negotiating, but if you can shift your thinking to your interests and the needs you are trying to meet, you might be able to come up with more creative solutions. For example, if keeping a house is the goal, think about why. If it’s to maintain stability for the children during the transition of divorce, maybe you could own it jointly for a year or two and then sell. If it’s because you love the house, maybe a family member can co-sign the new mortgage in exchange for 10% of the equity in the future. Brainstorm!

*Be informed–Gathering all the information needed before making decisions can thwart irrational decision-making. Having an initial consultation with a matrimonial attorney who supports mediation (your mediator can provide you with names and numbers), for example, can help you to know the best and worst outcomes if you were to litigate. You can use this information to determine for yourself if what you’re agreeing to is fair.

*Recognize your spouse’s needs–You might not agree with him or her, but he or she has needs and interests of their own. If you offer something that she or he needs or wants, it’s likely that she or he will be more willing to negotiate in return.

To learn more about negotiating, check out these resources:

Harvard Program on Negotiation

http://www.pon.harvard.edu/category/daily/negotiation-skills-daily/?cid=13

Skills You Need

http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/negotiation.html