Category: Blog

There are a lot of adjustments for families with children to make after a separation or divorce. If you and your ex-spouse or partner have joint physical custody of your children, the kids will be moving between the two households, and it is in your children’s best interest for both parents to work together to make their transition from one to two homes as seamless as possible.

In many families, one of the parents played a primary role in caring for the children. The parent who spent less time in that function may need information from their ex-spouse or partner in order to ease the children into the split household routine. This may include information such as phone numbers and addresses or health insurance information for their doctor and dentist, medications taken, team schedules or notes on other activities the children are involved in. It may also be about little things, like who likes mustard and who likes mayo on their sandwiches.

This type of information can be shared through email if verbal communication is a source of conflict for you right now. There are also online sites that offer shared calendars where each of you can update events for the children, keeping the scheduling simple. Apps that provide the ability for ex-spouses or partners to communicate in other formats, as well as handle payments of reimbursement for out-of-pocket expenses or support are available as well.

For the parent taking on a larger parenting role than they played prior to the separation or divorce, expect a learning curve. You may have to make decisions that used to be made by your spouse about the children’s diets, bedtime hours, TV and video game activities, overnights at friends, parties, disciplinary issues, etc. You and your spouse may find that you have different parenting styles, or that one of your styles has changed. Be as supportive as possible of the rules established in each household, even if they differ. Supporting your spouse in their efforts to parent your children is important in maintaining stability in the children’s lives.

Recognize that this is a period of high anxiety for your children, especially for young children, who may not understand what is going on right now. Getting them settled into a consistent routine of sharing time with each of their parents, and feeling supported by each parent as they spend time with the other, will go a long way towards helping them get grounded. Even if you find yourself resenting your ex because you feel they are responsible for this upheaval in your life and the lives of your children, remember that one of the best ways to help the children adjust is to move forward in a positive way.

Kids, both preteens and teens have all kinds of toys they use for communication these days; smart phones, iPods, iPads, tablets, laptops, etc…They are texting, snap chatting, using Instagram, and Tweeting. Communication is so different than when I was growing up in the 70’s.

If you are a parent like I am, you may be worried about how to talk to your kids when they are spending what seems like every minute on a device of some sort. Even when they are with their friends, the devices are out and there is little face to face communication.

Good communication with your child/children is imperative to good parenting and to helping your kids develop the communication skills they need for the future.

Communication is a three step process: Talking * Listening * Feedback

We all must master these three steps in order to make communication as productive and meaningful as possible. Being able to talk and articulate your needs, feelings and desires. Being able to listen and really hear another person and lastly providing feedback on what was said in the conversation. These three steps complete the communication process.

The abundance of screens is not limited to our kids; parents have to put down their devices as well to have conversations. Role modeling the behavior we ask from our children is an important part of their learning. Insist that devices be put away when you are speaking face to face with your child. Here are some other suggestions:

Plan family time with no devices – dinners, game nights, a hike. Find activities that interest the kids and require them to put the devices down. If you’re going to get some new games in, you could pop over here and see if there are any discounts to be had online – because we all love saving money! Whatever you end up doing, in my house I call this device-free time “mandatory family fun”.

Limit screen time – set limits on screen time. It’s okay to set limits, you are the parent. Too much screen time has the ability to wreak havoc with the health of your eyes, and the blue light that glares off the screens can disrupt sleeping patterns, as well as irritating your eyes. This could eventually lead to them having to wear blue light blocking glasses to help protect the eyes from such harshness. So setting a limit on your children’s screen time could be more important than you think. Kids thrive on structure and may secretly thank you for allowing them some “unplugged time”.

Keep devices out of bedtime – studies show that preteens and teens need time before bed to unwind and become “unstimulated”. The lights and movements on a screen can cause insomnia and kids who sleep with their phones are less likely to get the sleep they need.

This is no easy task, asking kids to put down the device that has become a third appendage, however, in time we will all benefit from the simple art of face-to-face communication.

Our kids need the art and skill of face to face communication, in 2015 and beyond. Good communication skills are needed for success in school, work and relationships. Teaching communication now is a lifelong skill.

The Holiday season brings family and friends together. Some of us make cookies, share meals and exchange gifts. It is a wonderful time of year full of festivities and cheer. It is also the time of year that our stress levels may rise. Family visits and the rush to the mall to fight parking and lines at the cash register can raise feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed. We are trying to manage work, home and daily life while at the same time adding holiday “to-do’s”.

The joyous celebration may feel more like one big headache. Here are some suggestions for feeling less stressed during the holiday season and make it more enjoyable for you and your loved ones:

• Take time for yourself – whether it is going for a walk or sitting down with a book, remember to unplug and take some “me” time.
• Slow down – pace yourself. You know this is a busy time of year, so start preparations earlier to help alleviate the last minute rush
• Make a list – write things down to avoid forgetting. A list can give you a sense of calm and control. Check things off as you go, so you can see the progress you are making.
• Ask for help – Don’t be afraid to ask for help when getting things accomplished. We all need help sometimes.
• Limit what you say yes to – You don’t need to go to every party or cookie exchange. It is okay to say no to activities and say yes to taking care of your own needs. Put yourself first.

Hopefully following one or two of these suggestions will help you put more HAPPY into your Happy Holidays! Wishing you a wonderful and less stressful 2015!

I can divide most of my divorce or separation mediation clients into two categories: the member of the couple who handles the finances, and the member of the couple who does not. In an overwhelming number of cases, my experience has been that one party is solely responsible for the finances, and the other party has little or no idea about the day-to-day or the long-term financial picture. Some people are just better with finances than others! If you’re someone who is lesser financially adept and allows their partner to handle both of your finances, you might benefit by researching into the likes of CreditAssociates or similar companies that could teach and show you how to manage your finances better.

While this is common, it may have implications that effect the mediation. The non-financially savvy spouse may be or become distrustful of the spouse who has handled the couple’s finances all those years. They may be unable to create an accurate budget for projecting their future living costs (which is a part of all settlement agreements), without help from their partner or the mediator. It can affect negotiations around support (Child Support and Spousal Support), either expecting too much or asking for too little. And when the non-financially savvy spouse gives up asset and retirement distributions or support that they really can’t afford to be without, this can be disastrous for them in the future.

Keep in mind that the division of your marital assets and liabilities, including retirement accounts and loan debt can rarely be changed in the future if you should regret the decisions you made in mediation. When mediating your divorce or separation, it is important for you to become familiar with your household expenses and with the assets and liabilities that are marital. You may be able to do this with your soon-to-be-ex spouse. If you find the financial information being presented to be too complex, ask questions! The mediator can usually explain it in a way that you can understand.

If that doesn’t work, or you and your spouse can’t work together, getting a financial advisor involved during the process can be in your best interest. Their job is to help you, and they have received the relevant training and experience to help with matters like this, so don’t feel like you have to battle these demons alone. Not only can they help you, but it also allows them to get business themselves, as even though they are popular in their field, they need to continuously market themselves. Luckily, places like LeadJig (https://www.leadjig.com/2020/04/23/financial-advisor-leads/) can help these advisors with their marketing, and in turn, they will make themselves known to you so you can receive the help that you’re looking for. It’s a win-win. Please remember to reach out for assistance if you need it, as it will take a huge weight off your shoulders. Thanks

It may seem that marriage rates in America are down and more people are opting to live together rather than get married. But, things are not always as they appear.

People are delaying marriage longer than ever (average age at first marriage is now about 27 for women and 29 for men), so, it might seem that the institution is on the way out. But marriage is still important to young people and is now a real option for same sex couples as well.

The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health found that 55 percent of women and 47 percent of men said marriage was a “very important” part of their life plans. Another 29 percent of women and 35 percent of men said it was “somewhat important.”

Only 12 percent of women and 13 percent of men ranked marriage as “not very important,” and a measly 5 percent of each gender said it wasn’t important at all. By 25, 33 percent of women and 29 percent of men had already gotten married; another 30 percent of women and 19 percent of men said they wished they were hitched.

Marriage has a certain wonderful romantic place in our society and in our hearts, especially for women. Girls dream of the flowing white dress with her beloved waiting for her at the end of the aisle. We think of churches with flowers and all of our family and friends, or a beautiful pristine beach with the blue water as a backdrop for your “I do’s”. Or maybe your dream is to be on top of a mountain or in the backyard of your childhood home.

Whatever the dream you have for your wedding, it includes all the romantic notions and lead up to the big day. Initially, there is the engagement and a beautiful ring from somewhere like https://gemaandco.com/collections/solitaire to sparkle every time it catches the light. Once the parties to celebrate are over, it’s time to get down to some serious planning. Just some of things you’re going to want to consider are: the bridal party and wardrobe, the wedding registry, finding the perfect dress from somewhere like Winnie Couture, arranging the venue and food, selecting the music and decorations and the guest list. And of course, tastings for finding the most delicious cake! Even if you elope and it is just the two of you there still remains a nostalgic romance for just the two of you.

Marriage and its definition has transformed through the years, however, marriage still plays a huge role in American culture and is an institution that remains strong as well as ever changing. We all have different values and ideas of what a marriage should be. We need to embrace changes and what works for all of us individually to make it our own.

So you are going through a divorce. You, and half of the people who

ever get married. Who will you be after the divorce? You will be the same person you were before the divorce. Only now you are not in a relationship with your (soon-to-be-ex) spouse.

There is a shift in people, places, things and finances. You are at a threshold of change, just like when you graduated from high school, and possibly college, or entered the workforce, or even when you got married. All of those events required thinking through how you would take on the new place you were in life. So does divorce.

Change can be difficult, especially if you have little control over the divorce process. Mediating your divorce gives you and your spouse the opportunity to create a fair and equitable agreement for each of you, and for your children. Using mediation, instead of the divorce becoming a way of being and a way of defining you, divorce becomes a document that ends a marriage contract, and allows each of you to move forward.

So who are you going to be in the next step in life? The possibilities are endless.

Reinventing yourself after a divorce can be a daunting task, however, it is one that is necessary for moving on and yes, it is possible, but it’s not easy. Taking care of you and your children, if you have them, is priority one. Putting your children first during this time and being the best parent you can be, does not have to mean you neglect yourself and your own needs.

Self-esteem and divorce don’t mix together well. At best, your divorce leaves you happy to finally move on. At worst, you’re scraping yourself off the floor and this is not something you wanted.

Being a newly single person comes with many different emotions and potentials. Taking care of yourself and nurturing your self-esteem will have a positive effect on your life moving forward as well as being a positive role model for your children.

Divorce comes with grief and there is a grieving process we all must go through after divorce. Allow yourself that time to grieve and when you are ready, find out who YOU are and be the person you want to be now that you are on your own.

Find friends with similar interests, embrace what you love about yourself, get involved with what you have always wanted to do, but always seemed to put off and go buy that one thing you never would have when you were with your spouse (as long as you can afford it). Whether it is new shoes or a new toy, do it for you and your self-esteem. You will find that taking care of yourself and allowing happiness after divorce will help you move forward.