Month: March 2015

“Aw Mom, do I have to??” Should Children Have Chores?

How many times have you heard this or something similar when you ask or tell your father_sonchildren to do a chore around the house? Chances are it has been often. Children are pros at procrastination, excuses, resistance and refusal when it comes to chores.

Why is it like pulling teeth to get kids to do chores? Part of the explanation has to do with the nature of who kids are. Doing chores willingly requires mature judgment and awareness of others’ perspectives and needs. Children are not born with these traits; they develop gradually as children grow and mature. Part of your job as parents is to socialize your children by helping them to develop these qualities. Therefore, it should not be a surprise that they resist helping at home.

You may ask yourself, “Is it Worth the Struggle?” Insisting that chores be completed can feel like a never-ending battle; constantly reminding, nagging, or imposing consequences just to get your kids to follow through. It can become easier in the short run to do the jobs yourself or let them slide.

Parents may be reluctant to engage in continuous struggles for fear of damaging their relationship with their children. Or they may feel guilty asking their children to help; after all, children are so busy with all the other demands on them from school, peers and extra-curricular activities that you may be reluctant to add to the pressures.

The Benefits of Chores: Even though it is more difficult at the time to persist in having children do chores, research indicates that those children who do have a list of chores have:

  • Higher self-esteem
  • are more responsible
  • are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification, all of which contribute to greater success in school and beyond.

Ask your children for their input. Children are more cooperative when they have a say. Many parents hold a family meeting to discuss chores and when and how they will be starting, revising, or re-instating them. Such times together can build morale, improve relationships, and facilitate creative problem solving.

  • Be convinced of the importance of chores. If you firmly believe in their value, you will communicate this message to your children and you will be less likely to give in to their delay tactics or resistance.
  • Consider how you look at your “chores” – you are your children’s most important role model.
  • Make chores a regular part of the family routine – children as young as 3 can benefit.
  • Decide if allowance will be given for the completion of chores.

Children may not thank you in the short term for giving them chores. This is a case where the goal is not necessarily to make your children happy; rather it is to teach them life skills and a sense of responsibility that will last a lifetime.

 

(Information from The Center for Parenting and Education)

What’s a BATNA and why do I need one?

Hands Holding Negotiation Multicoloured Word ConceptThe “Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement” a.k.a. BATNA.

Why do you need one? If you are preparing to negotiate and you don’t know your alternatives you are more likely to agree to something you could regret.

Here’s a common example. You decide it’s time to replace your car, start looking at cars, and a salesperson approaches you. Her interest is to make a sale today for the most money possible. If you haven’t researched your options, you’re likely to spend too much money and make a choice you later regret.

So, how do you determine your BATNA?

First, brainstorm as many options as you can–don’t limit yourself. If you are negotiating support, alternatives to getting or paying the full formula include sharing additional costs like cell phones for the kids, paying a smaller or larger amount of educational costs, having your spouse pay fully or paying fully for health insurance for the children,  decreasing monthly costs like cable television, increasing income from other source, etc.

Next, narrow your options to those you would actually consider. It’s always better to have more than one BATNA if possible. It encourages you to negotiate assertively and get your needs met.

Then, gather quality information about the options you’ve selected. The more you know, the more confident and empowered you will feel to make good choices. Seek advice, read and research. Good information makes it less likely you will be persuaded to make a poor choice.

I say quality because opinions are just that–personal beliefs. I’m amazed how many times mediation clients say, “well my best friend told me…” as if it were fact. If their best friend is an attorney giving advice on the law, I might give it some weight, but if Fred simply had a bitter divorce, he’s not an expert.

Finally, give some consideration to your range and your bottom line. We all make trade-offs in negotiation and in life. I might be willing to pay a little more if I can get heated seats in my new car. But I also know if the price goes above a certain point or the dealer tries to talk me into a financing option I am not comfortable with, I need to walk away.

And above all, don’t forget to take the other person’s perspective into consideration. You’re more likely to succeed in a negotiation if both parties interests are fulfilled.

If you need help negotiating with someone else, a mediator can help by offering a structured process that surfaces the interests and needs of both parties.