Month: July 2014

Dealing with Differences in Relationships

RespectPeople in new relationships really should examine the issues that matter to them most before jumping in too deep with another person. Realistically and rationally discussing your goals, hopes, desires, needs and values with your significant other early on in the relationship can save heartache in the long run.

Very new couples and relationships have inherent concerns that can significantly impact their relationships. Issues stem from a variety of sources, including contrasting philosophies, backgrounds, goals, morals, age disparities and health needs.

Sometimes the issues are major. For instance, a husband has two children from a previous marriage who live with him on the weekends. At other times, they’re relatively trivial: She’s a health nut who runs two marathons each year, but he hates exercise and is 15 pounds overweight.

These concerns aren’t necessarily deal-breakers. Both partners may possess the character and commitment that will make them desirable spouses. Still, the issues will crop up throughout the marriage and influence how well they get along. So addressing the issues early in a relationship and how you think you and your partner can work together to successfully navigate them, can be critical to the long term health of your relationship.

Here are some helpful tips; some may be more applicable than others to your specific situation:

Listening to loved ones

Built-in differences are often crystal clear to outsiders. Family members and friends have no trouble seeing a partner’s drawbacks and assessing where problems are likely to arise. In addition, they watch how both people interact and see which topics cause conflict.

Loved ones may even express their concerns. A man pulls his soon-to-be-married brother aside and says, “You know, she’s going to want kids. And yours are already grown. Do you really want to start over with a new family at this stage of your life?” Unfortunately, couples too often turn a blind eye to potential problems. They gloss over the importance of their differences. They rationalize that love conquers all. Couples may even rebel against loved ones’ input, choosing to marry despite glaring pitfalls. As a result, they’re broadsided by troubles they were hoping to avoid or sweep under the marital rug.

Examine issues early

The best time to discuss difficult issues is early in the relationship, as soon as the topics crop up. That way, partners can determine whether they’re compatible before becoming too emotionally involved.

If one person repeatedly tries to downplay the inherent issues, or if the topics turn out to be insurmountable, it’s a sign that the relationship shouldn’t continue. It’s best to end it ASAP so both members are free to find a better match.

Of course, adaptation is required in all relationships. And new problems appear along the way. But going in with both eyes open helps you prepare for whatever comes.

HOW TO RESOLVE INHERENT ISSUES

  • Identify sources of conflict. Notice the situations and topics that seem to lead to long, intense discussion or acrimonious fights. These denote your relationship’s rough edges, the places where the two of you don’t mesh.
  • Listen to others’ assessment. Friends and family members can be more objective. It’s good to hear their input.
  • Devise a plan. Create specific strategies to make your marriage work. For instance, if your fiancee has a large credit card debt, decide how you’re going to pay it off and live within your means.
  • Stay calm. These are difficult issues, and nothing’s written in stone. Be sensitive and respectful during your negotiations. Let your partner know you care.
  • Recognize your differences. No matter how hard you work, you’ll still be two unique people. Honor what each one of you brings to the relationship.
  • Allow your relationship to evolve. Old problems will fade into the background. New ones will inevitably creep in. Your marriage will continually ebb and flow as your needs and concerns change.
  • Seek help. A skilled, neutral person can help navigate touchy topics. Find a therapist, pastor, or mediator to assist in your negotiations.

 

 

 

From: The San Luis Obispo Tribune and Linda Lewis Griffith

GETTING WHAT YOU NEED WHEN DIVORCING

 

I'm Happy You're HappySometimes, in a conflict it can seem easier to just give up or give in. Yet many of us regret that choice. This is especially true when going through a divorce. Decisions made now will impact you and your family for the rest of your life. It is important to carefully think through the long-term consequences of decisions and stand up for what you want. At the same time, you don’t want to bully the other person into giving you everything you want at the expense of his or her needs. This is especially true if you’ll have an on-going relationship as parents or with friends.

Here are some tips to get your needs met while staying open to your spouse’s needs:

-If conflict scares you, do everything you can to be in control. Pick the time and place of the meeting, be well fed, wear comfortable clothing, rehearse in your head what you will say, how you will say it, what you think the likely response will be from your spouse, and how you will calmly respond.

-If you usually give in, determine your bottom line in advance. If you know your spouse is going to ask for more than you are willing to give, start by acknowledging his or her request, then outline your feelings and needs and ask for a little more than your bottom line. It is easier to give in a little if there is some wiggle room.

-Choose your battles. Sometimes it is worth it to give up smaller things in the interest of moving forward. Decide in advance which items are not as important and concede here and there to keep things moving forward. This will help you reference your flexibility when negotiating becomes more difficult.

-When all else fails, blame someone else.  A good mediator will encourage her clients to seek a consult with separate attorneys. Many clients are reluctant to do this because of costs or fear of litigation, but being informed helps you negotiate more effectively. It also allows you to say “your attorney” advised you not to settle for less. This can take some heat off you and help empower you to get a fair settlement. That said, don’t feel like you have to do everything your attorney says. After all, this is your life and what is important is what you want and need, not the law.

The mediator can help to facilitate your conversation and manage the strong emotions that may come up. Call today to schedule an appointment at 585-244-2444 or email us at info@mediationctr.com.