Month: <span>February 2013</span>

Managing the Loss and Grief of Divorce

Experiencing a divorce can bring with it a profound sense of loss. Yet it can also represent an array of possibilities. It is important to manage your sense of loss, and honor the grieving process when you divorce so that you will be able to construct a healthy future for yourself, and your children if you have them.

Things you might consider when going through divorce include:

Working with a mental health professional. Even if only through the period of separation and divorce, many people find it helpful to have someone to talk with who is neutral and supportive.

Taking good care of yourself. We all know we should eat well, get plenty of rest and exercise, but during times of stress this is particularly important.

Giving yourself a break. The difficult process of uncoupling means that you might not always do the right thing. When you mess up, apologize, forgive yourself and resolve to do better.

Doing what brings you joy. Remember that you still have a right to be happy. Take time to read a new book, watch a favorite show, play a sport, work on an art project, catch a meal with a friend, go for hike, wear something special, pet your cat or dog–whatever it is that makes you happy.

Using mediation as your process for divorce can also help. The ability to keep communicating through this difficult time can help you construct a healthy future for all of those concerned. The mediator assists by providing information, facilitating the conversation, and helping manage conflict and strong emotions if they arise. With mediation, you have direct input and make the choices that you feel are in your best interest, rather than relying on someone else to tell you what to do. After all, you are the expert in your own life.

Contact one of our mediators today to learn more: 585-586-1830.

New York State – An Equitable Distribution State….What does that mean?

For about what it costs to have dinner at a nice restaurant, a couple in New York State can zip down to the court house, sign a piece of paper and get hitched. But, if a couple wants to divorce, the financial costs are much greater.

None of us that get married are thinking we will get divorced. When we get married, we’re all caught up in the romance, planning the wedding and looking forward to the honeymoon. We are working, buying a house and planning for children. The long term outcomes of the marriage itself are not even on the radar and “divorce” is something other people do.

So, fast forward fifteen years and you may have three kids, a goldfish and a golden retriever, a mortgage and a couple of car payments – and a spouse you can’t relate to anymore and have grown apart from. You love your children and the fish (the jury is still out on the dog), and you want a divorce.

New York State is an equitable distribution state, and although “equitable” doesn’t necessarily mean equal, it means you need to come up with a fair division of property. Marital property is defined as anything acquired during the marriage where marital funds were used. Cars, houses, motorcycles, sewing machines, guitars, retirement accounts, and yes, even the goldfish. Liabilities like loans and other debt are shared as well.

Property acquired prior to marriage may be considered separate property.  There are exceptions to be sure, and we look into all the specific situations during the mediation, but in general, everything that was accrued during the marriage may be considered joint property regardless of who earned it or who took out the loan and whose name it’s in. In mediation, everything is on the table for discussion to reach the best possible outcome for everyone.

Every family is unique and different. Mediation is sensitive to that by allowing for customization of agreements. Mediation helps couples decide how to divide marital assets and liabilities equitably and in a way that makes sense to the couple.  Mediation also keeps the couples costs down by using one mediator rather than two attorneys and the process can be much less lengthy than a court case, also keeping process costs down.

Although property is owned jointly, most couples in mediation find a good way to create a division that works best for both of them.

Renee LaPoint